Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Greetings From the Dark Side


What an exciting weekend it was here on the Cowboys’ Dark Side. What started out as something all Dark Siders fear and loathe turned into a celebration of all that is miserable with regard to The Team We Love To Scorn.

I’ll certainly admit the first two Cowboys’ drives of the season made me queasy. As Bledsoe methodically drove his team up and down the field, I thought, perhaps, it might be a long season for Those Who Wish Failure on the Cowboy, rather than the long season I had predicted for the sheep.

But it turned out the football gods were merely toying with Bondo Face and the Pear-Shaped Football Genius. The Team We Love To Scorn played down to their proven abilities during the final three and a half quarters, the offensive line sprung more leaks than a Louisiana levee (sorry, it’s just too easy to pass up), Bledsoe did what he does when the pressure is on, and even the vaunted and much-over-rated defense got it’s head beaten in.

So much to savor…

Let’s start with the 800 lb gorilla which gets shockingly little play in the paper or on the talk shows: The offensive (and I mean that in EVERY sense of the word) line. Flozell Adams was supposed to be the savior of this entire group, the real difference maker whose absence doomed Bledsoe to 49 sacks last year. Folks, if you’re counting on Flozell Adams to plug the gap this year, keep counting. Adams could barely get out of his stance before Jacksonville D linemen blew past him. And Adams was only the most visible offender. Bledsoe was hurried, the running backs had no where to go, and it generally looked like a repeat of the dark days of 2005 out there.

Delicious.

And how ‘bout Drewzilla himself? I, and many others, think he got hurt early on. I hope so, for his sake, because he was a shell of his previous self. Poor throws, poor decisions, no mobility, all the signs of a QB in major decline. And now, because of Bledsoe’s subpar performance and the Pear-Shaped Football Genius’s love of discomfort, we find ourselves in the most ridiculous QB controversy ever. Cowboy sheep, do you REALLY want Tony Romo taking over after ONE game? Could we please get serious here? Talk to me after Bledsoe stinks it up for at the very least one or two more games. Talk about knee-jerking. Jeez.

Let’s finish up today’s swim through the Dark Side by discussing the defense, shall we? Did we think this was a Super Bowl-caliber defense? We did? What were we smoking? Why didn’t we save some to smoke later?

The defense got shredded by a rather pedestrian offense. The Jaguars tried hard to give the game to the Cowboys. Why Dallas didn’t graciously accept and go home is beyond me.

Now it’s on to the hated Redskins, who visit the Partially Domed Rathole on 114 this Sunday night. Mark Brunell has had it, as has Joe Gibbs, so the Cowboys have a reasonable shot at this one. Since Little Danny Snyder elicits more despisement (?) than even Bondo Face, I may have to pull for the Cowboys.

Or maybe I’ll gargle with battery acid instead.

Well, that’s enough bile for this week. Tune in next week as the Dark Siders pose head-scratchers such as: Does the Pear Shaped Football Genius eat fruit, or is that cannibalism? Does Bondo Face have one of those old grandfather clock keys in the back of his head which he gives a couple of cranks to tighten up his face each morning? Does Drew Bledsoe ever look longingly at one of his hunting rifles and think to himself, “I know I can make it look like an accident”? Does Flozell Adams do a Stuart Smalley-type Daily Affirmation while looking in the mirror? If not, should he? And, finally, does anyone on this defense really want to be here? All this and next on Tales From The Dark Side.

1 comment:

Steve Sanderlin said...

Favorite quotes from the article on Texas Stadium:

"...Texas Stadium is still one of the NFL's best stadiums.." - Is it?

"The stadium was named after its location, Texas Stadium." - Wow, I never heard of a city or town called Texas Stadium. Who wrote this article, Jessica Simpson?

"Texas Stadium remains one of the best stadiums." - Didn't you already say this earlier?

"Texas Stadium became one of the NFL's most unique stadiums upon opening." - Did it only be come unique after it opened, as opposed to while it was being built?

"The stadium is partially domed. A hole is in the center of the roof which allows fans to stay dry but leaves the field open to the elements outside. " - Again, didn't you already say it's unique earlier?

While we're at. it. what's with. the. sentence structure in. this article. Was this written for William Shatner?