Sunday, October 28, 2007

The most offensive Catholic priest joke ever

Well, that may be over-selling it. You decide:

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor if he would cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. The janitor agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be three Hail Mary's, plus five bucks."

"Thank you, Father."

Another person came into the booth. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."

"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 Hail Mary's, plus fourteen bucks.""Thank you, Father." This was easy, the janitor thought. Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of oral sex.""Oral sex, huh?" He looked at the list, but didn't see oral sex there. So, he excused himself to look for help. He found an alter boy hanging out on the steps of the church.

"Excuse me," the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for oral sex?"

"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."

Monday, October 08, 2007

Al Jazeera's fall progam lineup

Top notch comedy jokes from Jewlarious, guaranteed to further inflame passions on both sides...

A Jewlarious Entertainment Exclusive

DOAH, QATAR - Arab super station Al Jazeera proudly announced it will begin producing new and updated versions of currently cancelled former US shows. This fall's revival will see some of America's most beloved television characters resurrected under Sharia Law.

Al Jazeera's CEO Sheikh Hamad "The Chairman" bin Thamer Al Thani unveiled his station's new line-up beginning with the newly restructured 'Studio 60 on the Gaza Strip'. While the stations's execs were beaming with pride, Qatari critics were quick to call the Sheikh's judgement into question by broadcasting shows that seemingly glorified American culture and decadence.

Quickly changing gears to accommodate the mood in the room, he presented two new reality programs -- 'Who Wants to Be a Militant?' and 'Fatah Knows Best'.

But not before allowing time for his doctor proscribed sedatives to take effect. The Sheikh subsequently went on a rabid attack screaming, "I don't have to remind everyone here that there is still plenty of room on my Chopping Block... to axe a variety of television shows in development."

Below is a listing of Al Jazeera's upcoming shows, reprinted without permission as they were snatched out and away from The Sheikh's hands as he was being carted out of the room to a local sanitarium.

Al Jazeera's 2007 Fall TV Line-Up


Show Synopsis: Two executive producers of a weekly sketch-comedy show find 'resistance' at every turn. This one hour comedy drama is best described as a twist of Aaron Sorkin with a modern Arab flavor. F.Y. I. Aaron Sorkin is an American screenwriter, producer, playwright and Jew who also created 'The West Wing'- not to be confused with Hamas' non-terrorist 'Charitable Wing'.


Genre: Children's programming

Show Synopsis: Hey you guys!

Learning how to spell H-O-L-Y-W-A-R was never this much fun...That is until Israel got serious about terrorist assaults and finally cut off Gaza's electricity leaving the 'kids' to fend for themselves.

Turn out the lights and turn on The Electric Company.


Genre: Comedy

Show Synopsis: He's a successful city planner who wants to build up his Arab town. She's his new bride who wants to blow it off the map. The comedy ensues when a wife obsessed with dreams of 72 eunuchs who want to blow up just about everything.


Genre: Design and Fashion

Show Synopsis: Watch this team of Iranian "lunatics" give women the makeovers of their dreams: throw away that old drab black burqa and exchange if for a new drab black burqa. These gals can make anyone's toes look beautiful.


Genre: Situation Comedy

Show Synopsis: A "moderate" Moslem rubs an antique lamp the wrong way, conjuring up the late spirit of Yasser Arafat to do his bidding.


Genre: Reality Program

Show Synopsis:

Who will be the ultimate survivor! Does anyone still care? They should. The winner continues to the next series' Survivor: Guantanamo Bay with Full Immunity!


Genre: Situation Comedy

Mayhem and gospel are spread over Judea and Samaria when a nun has nowhere to land because her church was burned to the ground after terrorists took refuge there.


Genre: Game Show

Show Synopsis: Contestants (hostages) plead in front of a camera for their safe release. Winners are announced after the ransoms are received from the 'Host' countries.


Show Synopsis: Original Comedy Programming

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Burma: An interview (from 2000) w/ Aung San Suu Kyi

An NBC interview with Aung San Suu Kyi. The last interview she has done w/ Western Media.

And this one, from Brit John Pilger, originally aired on ITV in 1996:

Cambodian tribunal - Hell thaws again

Not very long ago, we reported the nearly astonishing news that The Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia had charged Nuon Chea with crimes against humanity, and that it appeared some Justice might actually be dispensed to surviving KR honchos.

Well, that may still be the case, but it's not going to be without some traditional Cambodian shenanigans going on.

The UN has issued a report which criticizes the tribunal for hiring unqualified staff, paying them too much, and accepting kickbacks from said unqualified appointments. The report goes on to recommend that the UN pull out of the proceedings unless changes are made.

In response, the Cambodians have called the audit an "unbalanced account" and its recommendations "out of proportion".

Sad, but typical...

Burma: A college editorial with good facts but a shaky premise

Neil St. Clair, a senior at goold ol' Boston University and writing an op/ed piece for the Freep, trys to sum up how China effectively blocked US options on Burma (he throws in Sudan/Darfur as well, but I don't know nearly as much about that situation).

I look for reasons to argue with pointy-headed college students on these matters. However, I have to give St. Clair an overall thumbs up (validation I'm quite sure he craves - NOT) on his general approach. Despite an awkward and sorta uncomfortable opening allegory, once he settles into facts, he does OK. It's just that I disagree pretty strongly with his overall thesis.

China has the only bit of international clout in Burma. That's well-established fact. China has also managed to get through the past weeks' events without saying anything harsher than "Gesundheit" - also well established. However, I'm not so sure they have "blocked" any US actions.

What action was the US going to take, China or no China? Lots of harsh rhetoric? Did that. Additional sanctions? Did that too. Make all kinds of noise at the UN? Check. Send troops? No how, no way, China or no China, Iraq or no Iraq, never. Even if the army had used Agent Orange, botulism bacteria, Ebola virus, nerve gas, and tickle torture on the populace. There was NEVER any chance of a military intervention.

For my part, I don't see how China changed US policy on Burma one bit. I would have liked to have seen China do more, much more, on their own, but I don't think they affected US or Western policy one bit.

Cowboys: Here comes the bandwagon

Obi-Wan... there... is good in him. I know there is... still...

- Padme Amidala

OK, so maybe that's both overly dramatic and too Star Wars-geeky. But there's something to it. The Cowboys are decent, or perhaps more than decent, again, and it's difficult for me to remain angry and vindictive with this team.

To be sure, the departure of The Pear-Shaped Football Genius helps matters greatly. TO Owens is dropping a lot fewer passes and keeping his attitude effectively adjusted. And Bondo-Face seems to have learned some lessons about staying out of the way. All of these factors make the team a LOT more palatable.

Then there's that Romo guy. Zowie. So far, he's like nothing we've seen around here since the Staubach glory days of the 70s. Fun to watch, easy to like, incredibly athletic, confident but not cocky, what's not to like about this dude? He just makes things happen around him. No word on Carrie Underwood, though. We'd like to see more of her.

Is the offensive line now ready to rival Williams-Allen-Stepnoski-Tuinei-Newton as the greatest in Cowboy history? Absolutely not. But they are good enough with Romo and his matador skills behind them.

Anyone think the MBIII/JJones combo is going to Canton anytime soon? They don't have to, as long as Romo and his receivers, some of whom may be Canton-bound someday, keep the defense stretched and the running lanes clear.

On defense, I'm still not completely sold. The Cowboy D has looked good, but it's been against truly bad offensive teams (Miami, Chicago, and St Louis are all inept offensively, and there's no arguing that point). We'll see week after next, when Tom Brady and Co. line up on the other side of the ball.

One thing I think I've noticed about the Cowboy D - they seem to be inflicting a lot of physical punishment on the oppostition. Lots of opposing offensive players seem to be getting hurt against this D. This may be my imagination, and I have not stats to back it up, but I think there's someting to it. And if there is, I'm not sure what that "something" means - faster to the ball, surer tackles, and harder hits seem likely, and good, but that's just the guess of a never-played-organized-football-after-grade-school guy.

And then there's Wade Phillips, a guy I totally trashed when his hiring was announced. I think he's won the lottery in some ways. He hasn't changed much on his own - the offensive changes are, I think, more Jason Garrett (who, you'll remember, was hired by Jerry before the Phillips hire) and the D, well, see above for my thoughts - but perhaps he's succeeding just because he's not arrogant, condescending, and argumentative like Parcells. It may be that all he needs to do is be up-beat, treat the players like men (hell, humans), and let his coaches do their thing. He hasn't had a lick of true adversity here yet, but it seems likely he will before the season is over. Let's see how he does in more tense circumstances before we nominate him for Coach of the Year.

All told, however, I think I have to retire my Dark Side credentials. This team is fun to watch, is having success, and seems to be keeping its nose clean (at least until Tank Johnson shows up). I think that's about all we can hope for in pro sports these days.

Burma; Time to talk aftermath

After a week and a bit of sustained protest, followed by a violent response by the illegitimate military government, matters in Burma have settled back into a tense and fearful sort-of normalcy.

The government says they killed ten people while trying to subdue the uprising. Predictably, government mouthpieces are spouting all sorts of revisionist crap. Nyan Win, the Foreign Minister, told the UN General Assembly that "neocolonialism" had distorted news from Burma, and that "political opportunists" had co opted small protests against increased fuel prices and in support of mistreated monks.

At least they're original, right? "Neocolonialsm" is card that hardly ever gets played. Nice one, Nyan Win.

Elsewhere, UN envoy Ibrahim Gambari has apparently made a little progress. He actually got a meeting with big, scary Than Shwe in Naypyidaw (I keep referring to the new capital as Pyinmana - that was the name of the ville which previously occupied the site. Than Shwe and his evil minions have named their new insta-city Naypyidaw, or "Seat of Kings"). In addition to that somewhat remarkable accomplishment, Gambari met with Aung San Suu Kyi twice, and got to take a government sponsored field trip to Lashio to see a staged pro-government rally there.

Gambari has retreated to Singapore as of this morning. No word on whether he's going back to Burma or catching a red-eye to NYC.

Newsweek brings us word that the various rebel factions, mostly made up of ethnic minorities, are trying to unite in a political and, if necessary, a military front. These guys have been fighting the various rulers of Burma for hundreds of years, so it's difficult to see them as anything other than irritants to the junta. They do serve the purpose of providing a training ground for the Burmese Army's officer corps. I'm not sure they're worth the trouble.

Monks and monasteries are somewhat less watched at this point, although the army and it's hired thugs are still keeping the clergy under pretty tight wraps. Word is that hundreds of monks and nuns arrested over the past week will be defrocked and tossed out of the Buddha business.

And, finally, the Burmese people are more angry, frustrated, and beaten down than ever. Reading some of the quotes available on BBC, you get the sense that utter despair is settling in. The majority of the population hates their lot in life, but can't do anything about it. The army has the guns and the will to use them, the clergy (the big hope) has been beaten into submission, maybe never to recover, the world community clearly isn't going to come riding to the rescue (nor should they - beyond sanctions, sanctions, and diplomatic pressure, the world should not be sending armored divisions to the Irrawaddy Valley no matter how many bullets are flying), and there is no armed group within the country with anything like the resources required to take on the army.

The best hope, and probably the only hope, is to keep this story in the news as much as possible, to maintain pressure, to the extent pressure can be brought, on the generals, and to pray a lot. The very, very sad fact is the West has no real strategic or economic interest in Burma, and too much at stake with China to "make" them use their leverage, for any change to come from external pressures. Any change which is to come will have to come internally. And when the bad guys have the guns, internal change is hard to come by.

This will probably offend a few of you

Remember, I'm Jewish. He's your Savior, not mine...