Someone has time on his hands

From Gordon Keith, whom you would think is too busy for this sort of nonesense. It seemed appropriate to post these on Draft Day...

Saturday morning funny fun-fun

"If Celebrities Moved to Oklahoma" - frighteningly accurate, methinks...

Happy day in Sportsville

The DFW Metroplex of Love awakens this morning, some of us earlier than others, to the best sports news its seen in some time.

Everyone won last night. I have no idea when that last happened. I wouldn't even venture a guess.


The ridiculous Rangers found a little something, coming back from a 5-0 deficit against Minnesota to win 6-5 in 10 innings. Never mind that Hank Blalock hurt himself again (I'm sorry, but how the hell do these guys get hurt so often playing this game? Maybe I'm an idiot, but it sure seems like, if you keep yourself fit and flexible, you should never get hurt playing BASEBALL!). Never mind that the "brain" trust of Ryan, Daniels, and Hicks (stop laughing!) met earlier in the day to discuss this team's complete failure thus far and left the meeting with nothing new. Never mind the total absence of any semblance of hope for this year or the near-term future. Never mind all that. The Rangers frickin' won. 'Nuff said.


The little Mavericks were, for one night at least, not so little. Avery's wife must have hit him with a frying pan to get him to realize what everyone else in town saw about 90 seconds into Game 1 - Jason Terry was in the starting lineup in front of ancient, creaky Jerry Stackhouse, and was actually able to slow down Chris Paul. Other defensive responsibilities were shifted as well, and the Mavs throttled the Hornets 97-87. It was the kind of convincing win that makes you think this may yet be a series.

I just wonder why Josh Howard chose yesterday to make his poorly-timed, but not-especially-surprising, statement about his dope smoking. He's just one of many weed-smokers in the NBA (and on Planet Earth, for that matter), and who really gives a crap or is even slightly surprised? But I don't know why we need to be discussing this in the midst of the playoffs. And it's not like his stellar play gives him all kinds of latitude to be making nutty statements like this. Howard needs to shut up and work on his move to the basket.


And out in San Jose, the Stars won Game 1 of their Western Conference semi-final series with the Sharks 3-2 in OT. The Stars had no business winning this game. San Jose really was the superior team. However, the Stars did enough on offense to make Marty Turco's super-human effort worthwhile. Make no mistake, Turco stole this game for his team. And, boy, does it feel good to write that last sentence! There is a long, long way to go, and I'm trying not to get too wild and crazy here, but the way is open this year for Turco to silence every critic he's ever had.

Fellow sports, let's enjoy this rarest of confluences all day today. I expect to see nothing but smiles and nods today. I expect everyone to hold doors for each other, yield the right of way when they should, and pick up stray trash on the street. Let's make it a great day to be fans in Sportsville!

We should have known...

Chuck Berry Remembers Call From Cousin About White Kid Playing 'Johnny B. Goode'

And while we're we're exercising the "Goofy" tag, here's the greatest error screen ever in the history of ever. Read closely...

Now this is just disrespectful...

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" the President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Mavericks: Is it over yet?

The Mavericks got destroyed by New Orleans last night 127 - 103. And, brother, it wasn't that close.

Where do we even start on this thing?

Avery's defensive "plan" for slowing down superstar-in-the-making Chris Paul (why do the Mavs always seem to run up against the "superstar-in-making"? Remember D-Wade's coming out party in the 2006 Finals?) was ineffective, to put it mildly. How does 32-17-5 grab you? That was Paul's line. Sound like the defense was clamping down on him?

The rest of the Hornets' line-up looked like the Harlem Globetrotters as well, throwing up circus shots from all over the floor and giggling like schoolgirls. And why not? It's got to be fun to completely have your way with a playoff opponent on national TV. Except TNT got as bored as everyone else and bailed on the game in the fourth quarter.

Dirk and Brandon Bass played like the game meant something. They were alone in their effort. Why is Avery so resistant to putting Kidd and Terry on the floor together? Stackhouse, God bless him, has NOTHING. By the time Avery got Terry on the court with Kidd, it was waaaayyyy too late.

And can we say a bit about Josh Howard? I hear from some quarters that he is hurt. I hope so. I hope he has an excuse for the way he's played the last few months. He appears clueless out there - unable to drive or post up, and unable to shoot from outside, he is killing this team.

For the first time ever, I really wonder if Dirk isn't looking around and thinking to himself, "Screw this. I am never going to win anything with this bunch of head cases. I need to get myself out of here."

I wouldn't blame him, if he is.

Well, whatever. The Mavericks season has a shelf life of two more games. I hope these clowns sack up and show a little fight. Last night was awful.

Oh, and the Rangers got killed again last night. By the Tigers, who broke the tie they were in with the Rangers for the worst record in the AL.

Go Stars. Please.

Daily YouTube: So sad. So true.

Reinforcing my belief that my life has a soundtrack...

Brazilian priest carried away by party balloons

Rev. Adelir Antonio de Carli of Brazil strapped himself into a chair tied to hundreds of party balloons and floated away. He was trying to raise money for a spiritual truck stop (WHAT?) in rural Brazil and hoped to set a new record for party-balloon-assisted flight. At last report he was headed out to sea. Rescue crews are looking for him.

Now, let's have a quick vote for the craziest sentence in the paragraph above. The winner may well be all of them.

I think the following video has additional details, but my Portuguese is not what it used to be...

The Fail Blog

Priceless. Go check it out.

Rangers: It's happening again

Your Texas Rangers are headed for the cellar again. Today's debacle was as ugly an 8-3 loss (to the Red Sox, who completed the four-game sweep) as you'll ever see, with another pitching and fielding implosion occurring in the 4th inning.

This team has shown an absolutely life-force-draining ineptitude in the field, at the plate with runners in scoring position, and in the bullpen. The only race which appears to hold any interest for the rest of this season appears to be which number will be the largest: wins, errors, or bullpen ERA.

I wanted to be a Jon Daniels fan. I wanted to be a Ron Washington fan. I tried. Really. I can't do it. Both of these guys need to be fired right now. You can replace them, on an interim basis, with Abbott and Costello, Harold and Kumar, or biscuits and gravy. I don't care. It's obvious this season is gone (in April, for God's sake). Get me someone to blow this thing to itty-bitty pieces and rebuild from the farm up.

I hate being a baseball fan.

Daily YouTube: Remember this?

I know, I know, I'm getting WAAAYYY ahead of myself. But I just thought I'd remind you of that very, very late night in the early summer of 1999, when the Stars gave us something to really get excited about...

A beautiful day in Stars-land

So starved are we for Dallas-area sports success, we are positively giddy about the Stars' first-round victory over the defending Stanley Cup-champ Ducks.

Really, though, this was a remarkable series win for the Stars, regardless of the near-precedent setting of it. Even though it's been nearly two years since one our teams (in ANY sport) made it out of the first round, the Stars' triumph would be worth getting excited about no matter what has been going on around it.

These were the big, experienced, tough, defending-champ Ducks. Pronger, Neidermaier and Neidermayer, Selanne, Bertuzzi, Perry, and that Giguere guy; not a team to be taken lightly.

And what did the Stars have to counter? How about Zubov and Boucher out with injuries, three rookies on the blue line, an offense which was having trouble finding the back of the net down the regular season stretch, and the indecipherable grey matter between Marty Turco's ears. A recipe for trouble?

Well, no, as it turns out.

Who could have predicted the steadiness (with some minor lapses, of course) of Niskanen, Fistric, and Grossman? Did you foresee the major step-up taken by Trevor Daley? Or the grittiness of Robidas? The defensive corps of this team was, without question, the surprise of the series.

Goals from all over were a pleasant surprise as well. Stu Barnes is playing like he's 24 again. Ribeiro continues to amaze - the guy must weigh 170 in full pads, so how is he able to get to the net against monsters like Pronger and Neidermayer? Erickson and Lundqvist, where did they come from? I love Modano, but who can deny that Morrow is 5 times the captain Mo was?

And then there's Turco. He didn't look great throughout the series, but he certainly looked good with flashes of great. Does this finally get the monkey off his back? I hope so. I want to be a fan of this guy, but he hasn't made it easy up until now. I'd love to see him succeed and shut his critics the heck up.

So, what's next? Well, we have to wait and see who the opponent is going to be, of course. Either San Jose or Colorado are going to be tough. But, the Stars just knocked off the champs. You have to feel good going on to Round 2. I sure do.

Go Stars!

Stars: Officially on the bandwagon

It ain't over yet, but 2:00 left, the Stars are beating Anaheim 3-1. As promised, I am now officially on the playoff bandwagon.

How far can a team playing three rookie defensemen go? I don't know, but I am digging it! Bring on the second round!

Mavericks: Uh oh

The Dallas Mavericks' 2008 playoff run did not get off to a good start in New Orleans last night. Up by 8 at the half, the Mavs fell apart completely in the second half, let Chris Paul run wild on them, and generally looked terrible in losing 104-92.

As with the Stars (currently losing Game 6 to Anaheim, 1-0 at the second intermission), I refuse to hop on the bandwagon until the team makes it out of Round 1. I have more faith in the Stars (although it's fading) than I do in the Mavs.

Daily YouTube: Spongebob silliness

Classic movie scenes done with voices from Spongebob dubbed in. So wrong, but a giggle.

Spongebob dubs Videofunny video

Humans are awesome

Two recent stories substantiate the above headline:

1. Joshua Christopherson, a sales manager at Prosper Inc. recently waterboarded one of his salesmen in an effort to motivate his team. The salesman is, not surprisingly, suing the company. Prosper doesn't refute the claim the waterboarding happened, only that it wasn't so bad and Chad Hudgens, the salesman, is a whiny little female-naughty-bit for complaining.

2. Brigadier General Ali Reza Zarei, police chief of Tehran and lead enforcer of Iran's strict, Islamic dress code, was recently arrested while in the company of six naked prostitutes. Shockingly, there has been no mention of the incident in any of the official Iranian press.

Bonus YouTube: Goal-tender; more difficult than it looks

Look for some Stars blogging soon. I'm waiting for them to get out of Round 1 before I jump on any bandwagons.

In the meanwhile, here's a primer on the the difficulties of playing netminder in the NHL.

Daily YouTube: Guys like sports

You know, I can see some of the Yankee fans I've known actually reacting like this.

Daily YouTube (ish): Don't be spyin' on the neighbors

Talk about dark. This is so TOTALLY not for the kids...

Spying on the sexy neighbor goes wrong Videocrazy video

Bonus YouTube: A country (and I mean COUNTRY) music giggle

From the vault, courtesy of my friend Jim, here's Lester "Roadhog" Moran and his Cadillac Cowboys doing more damage to country music in two minutes and 15 seconds than all those clowns in tight t-shirts and big hats could in a lifetime.

Daily YouTube: F1 engines generate a bit of heat

From my friend Mark: An Arrows F1 engine, a rich mixture, a bit of throttle, and you get one heck of a light show...

Four billion barrels of oil in North Dakota?

From an MSNBC story today: The US Geological Survey estimates that 4.3 billion (that's billion with a "B") barrels of oil may be trapped in huge shale formation under North Dakota, Montana, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba.

Some in the oil industry are skeptical, but you've got to love the optimism.

In a related story, the oil sands of Alberta are quietly becoming a major source of US oil imports.

I don't know if this is good news or not.

In the short term, obviously, major new sources of oil, especially if they are found under countries where there are not significant portions of the population who want us all dead or praying the same way they do, are welcome.

However, the long term answer to many of the worlds problems is going to be found in an alternative to oil. We've been saying it here for a long time.

Why I still love Shaq

Shaquille O'Neal, discussing his Suns' manhandling of San Antonio last night, 96-79:

O'Neal was back after missing Tuesday's game with a right hip contusion.

"I played through everything," O'Neal said. "I told them that if they play me single coverage, let me make them pay. I'm still the baddest 36-year-old ever created."

O'Neal said he took it as an insult that the Spurs didn't double him late.

Hey, it ain't bragging if it's true...

Zimbabwe: My God

First, a little scene-setting: Go read this Newsweek article on the state of the Zimbabwean economy. It is the most shocking thing you will read today. Guaranteed.

Now, we switch over to election news. Zimbabwe went to the polls this past Saturday. While it appears the opposition has won a majority in the Assembly, no one knows who won the presidency yet. That sound shady to you? It should.

Robert Mugabe, president since Zimbabwe was formed from unilaterally-independent Rhodesia (actually, there was a British colonial step in-between, called Zimbabwe-Rhodesia) in 1980, has rigged elections in the past. And that was before he went completely nuts. In recent years, his paranoia and isolation from the rest of his countrymen has grown at an exponential rate. Think he's not capable of stealing an election? Then I have some Zimbabwean currency I'd like to sell you.

How do you bankrupt a country which is blessed with fertile soil and abundant natural resources? Well, the Burmese have managed to do it, but even they can't hold a candle to Zimbabwe. This nation has been screwed for over a hundred years - read a bit about how it was treated by Cecil Rhodes and his British South Africa Company to get a sense of just how bad the screwing was - but, even with that, it has been a relatively prosperous and stable country until recently. Now? It's the most f**ked up country on Earth.

The most shocking sex scandal ever

Max Mosely, president of Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA), the governing body of Formula 1, was recently captured on video in a Nazi fetish orgy with five hookers.

I'll give you a moment to compose yourself after reading that last sentence. Pretty unbelievable, huh?

Max's dad, it turns out, was Sir Oswald Mosely, the leader of the British Union of Fascists. Lovely.

I'll give old Max this much: If you're going to destroy your career in a sex scandal, you may as well floor the accelerator (if you'll pardon the pun).

Attention: Future public figures involved in sex scandals! You now have the gold standard for such things. Attempt to surpass this one, if you dare!

Today's funny ha-ha

Sorry for the lax posting lately. I've been commuting to Ft. Worth (120 miles round trip), and Blogger has been giving me problems, killing what little free time I have.

At any rate, a few doozies from the Homeland for you today.

First:

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors:

- Wailing Wallnut
- Moishemellow
- Mazel Toffee
- Chazalnut
- Oy Ge-malt
- Mi Ka-mocha
- Bernard Malamint
- Berry Pr'i Hagafen
- Choc-Eilat Chip
- Simchas T'Oreo

It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup or a Cohen.......

Number 2:

Leah gives 25 cents to her daughter Sarah. The little girl goes outside and returns ten minutes later without the coin. Wondering what she has done with the money, Leah asks, "Where is the quarter I gave you, my darling?"

"I gave it to an old lady," says Sarah.

"Oh, I'm so proud of you Sarah. That's a very important mitzvah you did. Tomorrow I am going to give you a dollar."

Sure enough, the next day, Leah gives Sarah a whole dollar and she returns a little while later without the bill.

"What did you do with the dollar today Sarah?"

"Today I saw the same old lady," begins Sarah as her mother beams at her, "and I gave her a whole dollar for an even bigger ice cream. I love performing the mitzvah of eating ice cream."

And numero tres:

"I'm getting operated on tomorrow."

"Oh? What are they going to do?"

"Circumcise me!"

"I had that done when I was just a few days old."

"Does it hurt?"

"I couldn't walk for a year!"

A Little Slice of Satan for the Kids!

My son has been telling me that he has seen the devil on TV. When I reminded him that our family doesn't believe in the devil, he told me that I had to watch Oobi. And so I did. My God, evil does exist in this world.

Daily YouTube: Safer? Yes. Safe? Um, not so much...

Airbags for motorcycle riders. I think you're kidding yourself if you believe this is going to make motorcycles safer, but what do I know?

Not that Israelis are paranoid...

Reporters CNN Journalist Christianne Amanpour and Former CBS Journalist Dan Rather, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Christianne Amanpour said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Amanpour dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me," said the soldier.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me," insisted the Israeli.

So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him.

The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the soldier was untying Rather and Amanpour, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you first?"

"What?" replied the Israeli, "And have you two schnooks report that I was the aggressor?!"

What it means when you "buy" an e-book

From Gizmodo the other day: Four students at Columbia Law School are examining your resale and copying rights when it comes to e-books you buy for your Kindle or Sony Reader.

The short version appears to be thus: You are no longer buying a book. Instead, you are buying a license (a rather restricted one) to the intellectual property which comprises the book.

The difference is subtle, but important.

Buying a paper-and-glue, physical book implicitly gives you the right to basically do whatever you want with it. Read it 47 times, loan it to your friends, use it to chock the wheels of your '73 Nova, or hock it on Ebay - it is, to a very great extent, up to you. You own the book.

Buying a license to an e-book isn't the same thing. You can still read the book 47 times (or 47,000 times) - that part doesn't change. However, you can no longer loan it out or resell it.

What the boys and girls at Columbia are working on is this: Is it legal? Is the fine print on the transaction enforceable?

The answer seems to be yes and no.

It hasn't been tested in court, but there seems to be a compelling argument that the transaction legally "looks" more like the sale of a good rather than a license. If that's the case, "users will retain their rights to resell the copy".

Yay, right? Not so fast...

It may turn out that you still wouldn't be able to reproduce your copy (i.e.; copy the file to a flash drive and hand it over), an act which is, legally, the same thing as Xeroxing your beat-up edition of Cujo.

So, where does all this leave us? I don't know. Its stuff like this (along with the obvious v1.0 technology questions) which makes me hold off on the Kindle. These issues will get sorted out, but it's difficult to see how the consumer doesn't get screwed in the end.

Daily YouTube: Dallas Center for the Performing Arts

Another example of your (not my) tax dollars at work - the super-spectacular neat-a-roo Dallas Center for the Performing Arts, opening Fall of 2009.

I know what my son and I are doing this summer!

Dude -- seriously -- this looks awesome!!



If I wore panties, I would imagine that they would be wet right now.

Just imagine if you put Walt Whitman in the suit -- oh the possibilities!

ABBA drummer dies in the garden

In a very Spinal Tap-esque moment, former ABBA drummer Ola Brunkert managed to creatively kill himself in a somewhat bizarre gardening accident over the weekend.

Apparently, he managed to crash thru a window with his melon, then sliced his neck on the glass shards. Spanish authorities (he lived in the south of Spain) are calling it an accident.

But, one can't help but remember how John "Stumpy" Pepys bought it, and wonder if it isn't something about drummers...

Daily YouTube: Munich 1972

The post from the other day regarding Olympic terrorism brought to mind the grand-daddy of 'em all - Munich 1972.

The perfect storm of guilt-wracked host country (Germany), incredible daring on the part of the terrorists (Black September was pure evil, but this operation was cold, rational genius), official incompetence, total lack of preparation by everyone involved except the Palestinians, Western arrogance and ineptitude, media frenzy, more than a bit of latent anti-Semitism, and a heapin' helping of Murphy's Law; it all combined to make for the most tragic event in Olympic history.

The ultimate "Lost" spoiler?

This site, which is a rather long read, may or may not have figured out the central mystery of Lost.

It's confusing as you-know-what, but what did you expect? It sounds plausible; it may actually be the whole enchilada.

Or it may be a bunch of horse hockey.

Chinese Islamic fanatics looking to go to The Show

The Chinese, about to host this summer's Olympics, are sweating a domestic terrorist threat. The insurgents/rebels/terrorists (its all perspective, isn't it?) are ethnic Uighurs from Xinjiang, in the far west of China, and represent the East Turkestan Islamic Movement (ETIM).

While this sounds like a punchline out of Monty Python's Life of Brian, these guys are quite serious. It ain't easy running a domestic terror campaign in a police state, but ETIM has managed to be a minor thorn in the Chinese side for some time now.

Much as the Chinese see the August Olympics as a chance to show their stuff on the world stage, ETIM is apparently gearing up for their own events in the International Terror Games, where most of the records are currently held by the Palestinians of Black September.

This promises to be a most interesting chess match. China has been working towards the Olympics for years, clearly intending for the Games to showcase the new-and-improved People's Republic. A successful Olympic fortnight represents huge (HUGE) political and economic gains for Hu Jintao and company. Similarly, a terrorist event of any kind brings shame and enormous loss of faith for the entire nation, not to mention a ton of instant street cred for whoever pulls of the successful attack.

The reality is, in today's world, any major international gathering, and especially the Olympics, are going to be the highest of high-stakes contests between security services and freedom fighters/terrorists/fanatics of every stripe

Daily YouTube: The gayest song of all time

From same.same.com.au, the 50 gayest songs of all time. Numero uno on the the big gay list: ABBA's Dancing Queen.

Yep, it's on my mp3 player. So?

Still more snow

After a VERY mild winter, we get an early March snowstorm of quite major (by North Texas standards, anyway) proportions.

The kids will enjoy this one!

Fascinating photo of Helen Keller as young girl

From MSNBC today: Here's a photo of young Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne Sullivan, taken in 1888. This would be less than a year after Keller and Sullivan's big breakthru, wherein then-7-year-old Helen first comprehended the meaning of language (the big "water" scene from The Miracle Worker - you know you saw it)

I am fascinated by this picture and what it represents. Since I was a little kid, the story of Helen Keller has interested me. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to be 5, 6, 7 years old, with no way to communicate, isolated in a dark and silent world. How breathtaking must it have been to suddenly "get it", or to watch her make the connection between words and things.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called "adding a bit or perspective to your day".

My Childhood/My Issues

I've been having a lot of problems in my personal life lately. I've been talking with (and paying) a nice lady psych, and she has helped me identify much of why I am so fraught with problems:




It accounts for so much really.

Don't blame the parents.

Blame the Pufnstuf.

The balloon tank meets its match

A little Photoshop, and voila, an even more-humorous balloon tank.

Funny campaign button

This cracked me up.

I was overcome by indecision and did not exercise my right/privellage/obligation today, by the way. I am ashamed. But I can't decide. This has never happened to me before.

The state of our world today

This is the most depressing thing I've seen today.

Daily YouTube: Apollo 11

Since there's space news to be had today, I thought we'd step back and take a look at the single biggest achievement in human history: Apollo 11.

It's sad to realize it's been almost 40 years since we've managed something as big as this.

Martian avalanche caught on camera

Now, THIS is COOL. Cameras on NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter caught a series of avalanches in progress near the Martian North Pole.

It's probably not a surprise that avalanches occur on Mars, but it's beyond awesome to actually see one. At least, it is to me...

The Greatest Song in the World?

I don't know what it is -- I just can't get this song out of my head lately. I guess it is the Greatest Song in the World (doesn't sound anything like this song).




Maybe now I can live my life accordingly.

The balloon tank

Hans Hemmart's quite amazing balloon sculpture.

Snow in North Texas

Well, this hardly ever happens, esp not in March. Yet here is photographic evidence...

Daily YouTube: Crosswinds are not your friend

Gee, I can hardly wait to get on an airplane again...

Life is going to be hard for this guy

This figures, doesn't it?

What about Russell Edson?

Russell Edson is a poet who speaks to you through your dreams. My friend, Dr. Fishbag, handed me a copy of The Reason Why The Closet Man is Never Sad and told me that this poet was actually me, but with better hand writing. Taken aback, I asked Fishbag "If this poet has better hand writing, will he be more profound?" Fishbag looked me dead in the eye and said, "Of course." And that made all the difference.


The Wounded Breakfast

A huge shoe mounts up from the horizon, squealing and grinding forward on small wheels, even as a man sitting to breakfast on his veranda is suddenly engulfed in a great shadow, almost the size of the night . . . He looks up and sees a huge shoe ponderously mounting out of the earth. Up in the unlaced ankle-part an old woman stands at a helm behind the great tongue curled forward; the thick laces dragging like ships' rope on the ground as the huge thing squeals and grinds forward; children everywhere, they look from the shoelace holes, they crowd about the old woman, even as she pilots this huge shoe over the earth . . . Soon the huge shoe is descending the opposite horizon, a monstrous snail squealing and grinding into the earth . . . The man turns to his breakfast again, but sees it's been wounded, the yolk of one of his eggs is bleeding . . .

And it only gets better the longer it sits in your lap. Edson turns our nightmares into beautiful pieces of succulent melon. He understands that everything in our lives, from the trip to the mall to a bowl of cereal, is fraught with the absurd. As we desperately try to make meaning of our lives, Edson points out clearly that it is a fool's game and ultimately we will be swolled by randomness.

The Family Monkey

We bought an electric monkey, experimenting rather recklessly with funds carefully gathered since grandfather's time for the purchase of a steam monkey. We had either, by this time, the choice of an electric or gas monkey. The steam monkey is no longer being made, said the monkey merchant. But the family always planned on a steam monkey. Well, said the monkey merchant, just as the wind-up monkey gave way to the steam monkey, the steam monkey has given way to the gas and electric monkeys. Is that like the grandfather clock being replaced by the grandchild clock? Sort of, said the monkey merchant. So we bought the electric monkey, and plugged its umbilical cord into the wall. The smoke coming out of its fur told us something was wrong. We had electrocuted the family monkey.

This sort of stuff doesn't just come from nowhere. This is a complex realization of how we interact with each other, but more importantly, how we interact with ourselves. Nothing points a finger in your own face more than an electric monkey, after all.

Do yourself a favor and go out and by The Tunnel, which is a collection of Edson's poetry.




Now kiss me on the head and tell me good-night.

WTF?

The redneck mansion...

Madeleine McCann - still missing

The sad, sad story of young Madeleine McCann is right where it has been for months.

The Portuguese local cops may or may not have completely screwed up the initial investigation, the Portuguese national police may or may not have further blown it, Madeleine's parents, Gerry and Kate McCann, may or may not have had something to do with the young girl's disappearance, and, 10 months after she disappeared from that Portuguese seaside resort, no one knows where Madeleine McCann is or what happened to her.

MSNBC has a long story about events during those weeks in May 2007 and since. They have spoken with a longtime FBI profiler who has extensive experience in these sorts of cases and got his opinion. The facts and opinion seem to lean towards a person unknown making off with little Madeleine as she slept, rather than meeting some sort of nefarious fate at the hands of her parents. In addition, the evidence seems to point to a police bungling of monumental proportions.

Whatever the story really is, and whether or not we ever learn what that story is, this story remains a tragedy in every sense of the word. It seems pretty clear that Madeleine is not coming home. I look at the banner on the left side of this blog, and I wonder if I should take it down. I have been unable to bring myself to do so yet, but it continues to trouble me every time I look at it.

Whoever was involved in Madeleine's disappearance, and whatever your role in it, as well as all those who are guilty of other crimes against young children, whether it be for profit, by accident, or to satisfy your own sick and demented wants and needs - I believe there is a particularly unpleasant sub-basement of Hell reserved just for you. Whoever you are, and for whatever reason you did what you did, all I have to say to you is: Enjoy your stay.

Funny Jessica Simpson news

Wilonsky, the only Jewish man on Earth who looks good bald, has a post on Unfair Park from yesterday, which includes big news about Jessica Simpson's fame in Ukraine.

While this is funny on it's own, Wilonsky makes it even funnier. Go read. Is good.

Addendum to this morning's Mavs post

Oh dear. We look on the Internet today, and find that fireavery.com is up and running.

Nothing like a massive knee-jerk to pick up your Friday afternoon.

J. Kidd: Future Hall of Famer and crunch time bench warmer?

I have been silent on the big half-the-Maverick-roster-for-Jason-Kidd trade that went down a few weeks ago. Enough ink and hot air have been expended debating this thing that I couldn't possibly add anything of substance to it.

For the record, I loved the trade.

I, like most of the Dallas-area basketball public, am stunned by what I witnessed last night, and it deserves some vitriol from me.

Can someone, anyone, explain why Jason Kidd, the greatest point guard of his generation, the guy you brought in here to close games, the QB Avery has been looking for, why this guy you just gave up half your team for was on the bench when you're down two points to the NBA champs with less than a minute left? Can someone please take me through the thought process on this one?

Avery's explanation (lifted directly from Tim MacMahon's blog post):

"Well, we were looking at spreading the floor with all of our shooters in the game," Avery said after TNT's Craig Sager asked the question on everybody's mind. "We wanted to put Stack, Josh and Jet, and that gave Dirk some more room to operate in those situations. And, just to show ... Dirk made some great moves in there, got his jersey pulled a couple of times. He battled, but our spacing was good, and that's what we were doing on that particular one."

Huh?

Let's forget the not-too-subtle jab at the refs, which is apparently what most of the team spent the post-game griping about. I'm all for giving Dirk some room, and getting the shooters in the game, namely Terry, Howard, and Stackhouse, makes sense also. But, come on. I believe (forget that, I know) Avery himself waxed euphoric about Kidd's ability to deliver at crunch time during the press conference right after the trade.

So, how about it, Avery?

Even Barkley was stunned.

An aside: One the the best things about Kidd, in my opinion, is his relationship with most of the refs in the league. Unlike way too many of his teammates, along with way too many people in the Mavs organization, he doesn't waste time whining about calls. I can't stand that about this team. Bitching about the refs is for losers.

Well, I didn't really expect the Mavs to go into San Antonio and win. They came awfully darn close, which is encouraging. But the rap on Avery from his detractors is that he's a control freak who won't cede offensive decision making to anyone, even a guy with Kidd's rep and resume. Last night's actions sorta seem to back that up...

A stroll down Amnesia Lane

Ran into this from Big Bob Wilonsky on Unfair Park this evening - a group of 1987 grads from good ol' JJ Pearce High School in Richardson (the arch-rival of my own Richardson Eagles) are participating in a TV Land show called, rather obviously, High School Reunion.

This is a few years after I had left the local scene, but its right in the wheelhouse for some friends and my dear goofy brother-in-law. I wonder if he knows any of these attention-starved media whores, er, I mean participants?

Daily YouTube: Worst movie scenes ever

Warning: Some of this is funny, but not terribly kid-friendly.

Funny, and only slightly sarcastic

The Billboard Liberation Front has launched a new, San Francisco-based campaign executed on behalf of AT&T and the National Security Agency. The billboards are "designed to promote and celebrate the innovative collaboration of these two global communications giants".

Daily YouTube: Kimmel's revenge

You knew you'd see this sooner or later: Kimmel is ****ing Ben Affleck.

Do I have to mention the language (actually sort of a single, very long bleep) warning?

Daily YouTube: The Bruce Sketch

More inspired insanity from Monty Python.

Rule numbers 1, 3, 5, and 7: No pooftahs!

Full throttle

A German man decapitated his girlfriend with a machete, placed her severed head in a daypack on his car seat, and drove his car straight into a truck, killing himself. This after he left the girlfriend's headless body in his bedroom, and set fire to the building.

If you're going to go out, this is doing so as emphatically as possible.

Um, uh-oh?

Daily YouTube: Matt Damon is truly my hero

Following the smash duet w/ Sarah Silverman, here's Damon doing his one impression. See if you can figure out who it is:

Friday funny

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

The man who almost killed Hitler

I stumbled across this on the BBC Web site today, and found it so remarkable, I had to post it.

This is the story of one Henry Tandey, a private soldier in the 5th Duke of Wellington regiment during the First World War. An exceptional soldier, he was awarded the DCM, the MM, and the Victoria Cross for bravery under fire. In fact, he left the service in the 20's as the most decorated private soldier of the War.

The most fascinating part of Tandey's amazing story is his actions around Marcoing on 28th September 1918. On this day, the day he also won his VC, he had a dazed and wounded German infantryman in his sights. Tandey held his fire, as the battle-weary enemy soldier never raised his weapon. The young German, a corporal from Austria named Adolf Hitler, nodded in thanks and walked off.

I'll leave to you to read how both men, and, ultimately, the world found out the identity of the parties involved. It's entirely plausible that Hitler was the German spared by Tandey, and is, in fact, likely.

History is full of what-ifs. It's pretty pointless to wonder most of the time - what if Franz Ferdinand hadn't gone to Sarajevo, what if the Germans had taken Moscow in 1941, what if Khrushchev hadn't backed down over Cuba, what if Gore had contested the election more aggressively? Those things happened they way they did, and no amount of wondering will change it.

However, it's pretty compelling to consider what the world would be like if Private Tandey had squeezed the trigger...

Daily YouTube MAXIMUS: Political songs

Political campaigns, especially for President, make normal people into idiots. Today's example:



Equal time, though, tragically, not nearly as silly:



Now THIS is more like it...:



And it gets even awesomer:



By the way, I still haven't made up my mind...

Valentine's Day funny

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Today's blonde joke

Vern walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM . He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Vern and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Vern says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Vern placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Vern, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Verne replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Oops

I don't have the words...

More cute'n'cuddly hate from Hamas

Tomorrow's Pioneers, the Palestinian pre-school TV show which brought us the lovable, hate-filled, Nazi mouse Farfour, who was beaten to death by a fictional Israeli policeman (how ludicrous is the previous sentence?), now brings us a new, even-more-huggable, even-more-psychotic, fuzzy children's character: Assud the Bunny.

Assud (which translates to "Lion", sort of an interesting moniker for a rabbit) tells Sara'a, the kindly child host of this truly evil program, that he wishes to "finish off the Jews and eat them."




Things like this make me want to tear my hair out. These are the actions of people who have no regard for the improvement of conditions for their people. They are not concerned about the lives and minds of their children. They are not interested in discussion or compromise.

How, then, is Israel supposed to deal with these people?

Gaza intervention appears inevitable

It appears the IDF is going into Gaza in a big way, and in the near future. Nearly continuous rocket fire, in addition to last week's suicide bombing, have pushed the Israelis into an untenable situation.

From the Jerusalem Post, via Jewish Issues Watchdog, here's some analysis of the plans. I'm encouraged by the amount of talk dedicated to the exit strategy. If the IDF is going in, they need to know how to get out as well.

The end game between the Israelis and the Palestinians is harder to see right now than at any time in recent memory.

Funny fun-fun

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

Super Bowl: How. Could. This. Happen.

I, along with most of America, am stunned by last night's events. How could the New England Patriots blow 18-0 by losing the Championship Game of the NFL to the New York friggin' Giants?

I will admit a certain fandom of the Pats. But, more than that, I am a fan of greatness. And a 19-0, NFL Champion Patriots team would have represented greatness. All-time greatest, in fact. Screw your arguments for the Lombardi Packers. Sorry. If the Pats had won, they would have gone down as the greatest professional football team ever.

Alas, it is not to be.

Let's face it, the Giants whupped the Pats in every phase of the game. Their offense did enough against the vaunted Patriot D. They won the field position battle in the punting game. And their defense, especially their front four, absolutely had their way with the heretofore unstoppable Patriot offense.

And now we can look forward to Eli showing up in as many commercials as Peyton.

Kill me now.

Suicide bombing in Israel

For the first time in more than a year, a Palestinian militant blew himself, and as many Israelis as he could, to little bits. This time it was in a shopping district in Dimona - coincidentally the home of Israel's nuclear facility.

The wall between Israel and the Palestinian territories seems to be doing its job, as this deluded cretin, and his accomplice, who was blown out of his socks by police, appears to have come over the much more porus border with Egypt. Israeli authorities are concerned that a number of militants used the recent chaos at the Gaza-Egypt border to sneak into Egypt. From there, they would be able to easily explot the long, impossible-to-control Israel-Egypt line.

In Gaza, the families of the murderers passed out sweets to celebrate their relatives homicidal activities while people danced in the streets.

And in other news from the area, Egyptian troops tried to seal off the badly breached border fence with Gaza, as the Egyptians try to get a grip on the border crossing which has turned into the Palestinian version of the Cincinnatti Who concert in recent days. Hamas, who's leaders have probably not yet finished the copies of How to Win Friends and Influence People, is pursuing an interesting path towards legitimzing their role as governors of Gaza.

I try to be charitable. I really do. But reading stories like these make it very difficult for me to find sympathy for the average Palestinian. Their lot in life is, for the most part, crap. They've been repeatedly shafted and relentlessly used by their own leadership and that of the larger Arab and Islamic world, and hope for them is nearly non-existent. But, by the same token, they've allowed themselves to be put in this position and, after 60 years, they have produced no credible alternative to the thugs and criminals who currently pass themselves off as "Palestinian leaders". So, who's really to blame for where they are?

Some Jewish for ya

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Meinstein - slang. 'My son, the genius!'

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Happy Birthday Curmudgeon!

Hey Curmudgeon!

It's your birthday and as a gift I give you a little bit of information:

351 days left of the Bush "Administration"

You may be getting older, but that light at the end of the tunnel

is not your approaching death,

it's a new hope for America.

Happy Birthday, my brother!

--Walt Whitman

Today's ha-ha

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

The craziest ad you'll see today

Back in the days when smoking was good for you, Camel bragged that more doctors smoked Camels than any other brand. I am TOTALLY not making this up:

Lost is back, and I'm still hooked

Saw my TiVo'd season premier of Lost late last night, and my addicition is back in full force. I won't bore you with theories or questions or detailed analysis. I'll just point you to a post from good ol' Keith, full of good questions, and a link to LostEasterEggs, the best site I've found for screen caps and anecdotal goodies (without going over the edge into full-blown psycho stalkerdom).

I'm so confused, and I'm disappointed that this season is likely to be cut short by the writer's strike. However, since the series now has a end date, I'm relieved to know that there will be an end, and most of the answers are coming.

Daily YouTube: I may have to start watching Kimmel

My appreciation for Kimmel, girlfriend Sarah Silverman, and Matt Damon has gone up 100%. This is laugh-out-loud, spit-your-coffee-across-the-desk hysterical.

MAJOR warning. This was on late-night TV for a reason. No kids allowed. You've been warned.

New, utterly revolting terror tactic

By now, you've no doubt read about the latest atrocity (FAR too mild a word) committed by Iraqi terrorists. Two women with Down syndrome were strapped up with explosives, sent into Baghdad markets, and blown to bits (along with more than 70 passers-by) via remote control.

Mentally disabled women used as unwilling suicide bombers. Shall we count up the number of horrific, morally bankrupt points which show up in that statement? I get at least six.

Dear God. I don't know what to say. I am so speechless that I really wrestled with even writing this post. What can I possibly say that will accurately convey my horror, disbelief, revulsion, and anger at this cowardly, morally bankrupt act? There IS nothing I can say which will do my sentiments, or those of any human, any justice.

The terrorists, presumably AQ or a franchisee, claim to be doing God's work. I believe God is keeping track of acts committed in His name. The bill will come due for these miserable cretins in time.

When does the Enniskillen moment come in Iraq? When does AQ commit an act so repugnant, so cowardly, and so shocking that it turns their support base against them? If this isn't it, then God help us all.