Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Spaced-out astronaut (HI-YO!!!!)

In the craziest story you’ll hear this afternoon, 43 year old Navy captain and astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak completely lost her mind recently, donning a wig, a trench-coat, and diapers to confront an unsuspecting fellow astronaut and maybe romantic rival over the object of both of their affections.

I can’t for the life of me figure out which part of the amazing run-on sentence above is the most shocking. Navy captain? Astronaut? Diapers? Take your pick.

The story, as briefly as I can explain it: Astronaut and Navy Commander Bill Oefelein, who is not married, has apparently been an item with Patrick AFB employee Colleen Shipman, also single, for some time. Unbeknownst to either of them, apparently, Cpt. Nowak, who is married and has three children, has had a rather significant crush on Oefelein and saw Shipman as a rival.

Upon hearing Shipman was flying from Houston to Orlando, Nowak drove the 900 miles to confront her. So determined was Nowak to make the trip as quickly as possible, she donned diapers so she wouldn’t have to stop to go wee wee. That’s some motivated cadet, right?

At any rate, Nowak made it on time and tailed Shipman to her car in the long-term parking lot. Now disguised in a wig and trench-coat, Nowak tried to get Shipman to give her a ride. Shipman, who had spotted the disguised Nowak running towards her car, was having none of it, locking her doors and refusing to open them. She did, however, roll the window down a bit when Nowak started crying. As soon as the window opened, Nowak hosed Shipman down with pepper spray and started beating on the windows. Shipman managed to drive to the parking-lot attendant’s booth and scream for the attendant to call police.

Upon arriving at the scene, police apprehended Nowak and retrieved what appears to have been a BTK Killer-autograph-model kidnapping and torture kit – length of rubber hose, a couple of knives, a BB gun, and assorted other tools of the trade.

This sort of thing probably happens 5 times a week around the US. But not involving a senior office in the US Navy, an Academy grad, and astronaut who happens to be married with three kids.
Nowak has been charged with a whole slew of felonies, capped off with attempted first-degree murder. I sorta think NASA is going to ask for the space suit back as we

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