Monday, January 01, 2007

Tales From the Dark Side: The Happiest of New Years!

It's a beautiful Jan 1 here in the DFW Metroplex of Love. The sun is shining, the sky is clear. It's cold, but the air is nearly still. A perfect January day.

Made even more crisp, clear and joyful by Lions 39 - Cowboys 31, of course.

Where do we start our dissection of yesterday's Cowboy "effort"? There are so many juicy negatives, and so few positives, it's sorta like the big buffet table at Sonny Bryan's BBQ.

Let's start with the very, very few positives, as it will be a short list:

1. The cheerleaders wore their regular outfits, despite the mid-40's game time temp. I'm sure it was not fun for them, but it made me appreciate my HDTV once again.

2. The announcing team of Kenny Albert and Brian Baldinger were comically (and predictably) terrible. Albert's not awful, but Baldinger is a moron (with the down-South long first "o", emphasizing the intensity of the word). I had no idea Bill Parcells began his coaching career in Wichita Falls, TX. I had thought it was at Wichita State, in Kansas. Thanks for correcting me Brian, you ding-dong.

3. Um, uh, er. I think that's it.

Well, that was easy.

On with the fun stuff. What went deliciously, invigoratingly wrong for Bondo-Face, the Pear Shaped Football Genius, and their under-achieving minions?


Previously the only thing that gave the sheep hope, the offense has turned into a Marx Brothers routine. Where has the running game gone? JJones and MBIII were on top of the world a month ago. Now neither of them can find a first down marker with a compass and a pair of binoculars. JJones has all but disappeared from the field, with most of the work he used to do going to Barber now. And MBIII himself had a big bag of nothing yesterday as well.

Can the disappearance of the running game be the result of the offensive line playing down to its capabilities? Of course! We've been talking about this suspect line since training camp. This bunch of retreads and never-weres has managed to kill Drew Bledsoe's career, but that wasn't enough for them. Romo managed to make them look serviceable for a few week, but their inability to block even average pass rushers or to open holes wider than a deck of cards finally caught up with them. Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Bo Jackson, and Vince Young could be running the old Wing-T behind this line and not have any success.

How about the receivers. OK, we have to back off a little here: Terry Glenn and Jason Witten are the two guys on the offensive side who have nutted up week after week, who make plays, and who keep their mouths shut. These guys deserve better. It was nice to see the overrated TO Owens actually hang on to a long TD pass for a change. He must have backed off on the Novocaine injections he got in his hands this week.

And what about Tony "Captain America" Romo? Is this really what he is? Was that first five weeks merely lightning in a bottle? That's my bet. I think we've got an average NFL QB here, folks. One who's got some real ability, but who takes too many risks and will make too many mistakes to be really successful in this league. I give him full credit for cashing in on his early success. Carrie Underwood is a Nice Piece, even though I predict she will blow up to pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole size in the not-too-distant future.


There's not much left to say about this enormously disappointing defense.

What does this bunch of so-called professionals do well? As far as I can tell, nothing. Terrence Newman and DeMarcus Ware on the only two players on the defensive side of the ball. Unfortunately, Mike Zimmer, the heroic defensive coordinator of years past, is going to pay for this mess with his head. The real blame lies with Bondo-Face, who has been duped into overpaying for underachieving defensive talent both in the draft and free agency, and with the Pear Shaped Football Genius, who appears to have implemented a scheme (the 3-4) without first finding out if he had the guys to play it.

Seriously, if you can't cover deep, can't get to the QB even when you blitz, and are questionable against the run, what chance do you have? Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander can't wait to go against this bunch.


I sometimes think Parcells laughs himself to sleep every night. What a set-up he's got here. Bondo-Face is paying him millions, the press are scared to death of him and no one will ask him any tough questions, his staff is completely subservient to him, and he's got enough skins on the wall from previous stops (an aside - what is so great about two Super Bowl wins - I mean, its certainly impressive, and way more than anything I've accomplished, but does it really entitle you to the "genius" tag for the rest of your career?) that no one is going to question him.

Do you really think Parcells cares one bit that Randy (Grampa Urine) Galloway is saying "it's time for Bill to go"? Me either.

The 2007 regular season closes with as bad a 9-7 as you can have. One quality win (the Colts) and a sackful of really bad losses points us towards a date with destiny in Seattle next Saturday night.

We'll be watching from the Dark Side, callin' 'em as we see 'em, and pulling for Cowboy failure, just as we promised back on March 18,2006.

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