Football Friday: Texas-OU, 'nuff said

The best weekend of college football is upon us, with many lesser lights also worth a mention. Let's get to it, shall we?

And yes, I know the logo is two years old. It's the best I can find.

Onward!

Colleges

Oklahoma St (+14) @ Missouri
Big stuff in a small town (yes, I've been to Columbia, and I don't recommend it), this one ought to be a shootout. Okie State is not bad at all, but the Tigers have it goin' on. I like Missouri to win, probably by double digits, but I don't know about 14. I'll take the points.

Penn State @ Wisconsin (+6)
Would someone please bury the Nittany Lions? I am so beaten by those third-grade unis and worn-out Joe Pa. Enough. Gimme the Badger Badger Badger Badgers.

Kansas St @ A&M (+3)
I don't think anyone in Vegas has seen the Aggies this year. They barely beat a terrible Army team. Kansas State is no Great friggin' Power, but surely they can beat the lame-o Aggies by more than 3, can't they?

Arizona State (+28) @ USC
It ain't easy being a Sun Devil these days. It probably never is - Tempe is a dump, although Mill Ave has its charms. Regardless, they are a long way from competitive. I wonder how USC will play out the year, but a demolition job here will be a good first step towards redeeming themselves.

Tennessee (+12) @ Georgia
Look no further; here is your Redneck Game of the Week. The SEC has slipped, and Tennessee's demise has been a big part of it. I still love the Big Gay Orange, but Phil is going to have to start paying his players a lot more if he's gonna get competitive again. Georgia mops the floor with the Vols, with a big "wa-hooo" echoing through the empty heads in the stands.

U LA La @ North Texas (+21.5)
Todd Dodge is inquiring about getting his mail forwarded back to Southlake. Poor guy.

OU vs Texas (+6.5)
The Biggie. I can't wait for this one. The Sooners are the better team, Stoops is the better coach, and the stars seem to be in alignment for OU to win and win convincingly. However, Colt McCoy is a one-man army these days. I like the Longhorn defense, although I will readily admit they have seen NOTHING like Bradford & Co. They say never bet with your heart. But, I'm not betting. I'm only running off at the mouth. I like the 'Horns.

Boston University vs the overly large head of Michael Dukakis
I was there during the "Massachusetts Miracle". I knew Lloyd Bentsen and you, sir, are no Lloyd Bentsen. Wait, what?

Pros

Jacksonville (+3.5) @ Denver
Hmm. I like both teams. I really like Cutler, and wish good things for him. However, I think Jacksonville has more. I'll take the Jags.

St Louis (+13.5) @ Washington
The Rams are so bloody awful, but a new coach may give them a bit of life. This is potentially a trap for the Redskins, and I would LOVE to see them step on their weenies. My usual rule is to take 10 points or more when they're given, and I won't break that rule here.

Oakland (+7.5) @ New Orleans
I don't get this. The Rams get nearly two touchdowns at Washington, but the Raiders only get seven and a half at New Orleans? The Saints showed me something against the Vikings the other night, despite the turnovers. Seven and a half is nowhere near enough. Give me the Saints.

NYG @ Cleveland (+7.5)
I keep waiting for Eli to turn into Eli. It will happen. Here? Good a place as any. Go Browns!

Dallas @ Arizona (+5)
The Cowboys will come out and steamroll the Cardinals to silence all the whiners back in Dallas. Adam Jones will have three interceptions and a punt return for a touchdown. All will be right in Cowboyland again next week. Really.

Comedic Value Game of the Week
Not as many choices as usual. This week, usual-CVGW-suspect Detroit is at Minnesota, and the presence of Adrian Petersen gives that game at least a little cred. From here, it looks like Cincinnati @ NYJ is the biggest battle of the inept to be found. The only question is which junior high unis will the Jets be sporting?

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday (sorta): I'm Not Quite Dead Yet edition

Oh, what a wacky week it's been since last I posted. I won't bore you with blather. Suffice it to say, little CIT has been pushed WAAAAYYYYY down the priority list for some time now.

However, we are back, and ready for a bit o' prognostication:

Colleges

TCU (+18.5) @ OU
This has the feel of an upset weekend to me. USC gets knocked off on Thurs, and it's just that time of year. I'm not going to predict a TCU victory, but I do think they cover.

Alabama (+7) @ Georgia
Oh, what a treat. A huge rivalry, a clash of SEC titans, AND Redneck Game of the Week all in one. Go out to the still and get TWO Mason-jars-full for this! I think the Tide wins this one, "Men in Black" or not. Go climb that there teler-phone pole, ring up Earlene and her kids, and holler "Roll Tide!" as loud as you can.

Tennessee (+6.5) @ Auburn
Another SEC biggie, and runner-up for Redneck Game of the Week. This one may be even more rural, but it's not as good a game. Auburn wins and covers, but I'm tuning in for this one.

Colorado (+5.5) @ Florida State (well, its in Jacksonville)
You know, the Big XII has, quietly, become the second best football conference in the land. This isn't as much of a mis-match as it sounds. I sorta like Colorado to go out there and defend some honor for the rest of the conference. An upset? Maybe. A dog covering? I think so.

Army (+27) @ A&M
Army may be bad, but A&M has shown nobody nothing (if I may double-negative you - it seems appropriate for the Aggies on several levels) this year. A&M may toss out a worthwhile effort, just because it's at home, it's finally an opponent they outclass, and it's an opportunity for them to redeem themselves slightly. However, I'm going to take the points, as I believe we haven't seen the bottom in College Station yet.

Arkansas (+27) @ Texas
Arkansas is bad. Really bad. I feel terrible for them (NOT!). With the demise of USC, the door is open for everyone. If Texas wants to get into the hunt, a blowout here is a big first step. Gimme the 'Horns.

Boston University vs the corrupt-yet-compelling soul of Vic Mackey
Michael Chiklis, BU School of Fine Arts, Class of 1985 (or so).

Pros

Denver @ KC (+9.5)
My goodness, Kansas City is bad this year. Denver looks like it might have it goin' on. Now that Cutler is all insulined up, he seems to be back on track to be a star in this league. I sorta like this one. Nine and a half is a lot to give in the NFL, but sign me up this time.

Arizona (+1.5) at NY Jets
Beware Kurt Warner? Oh dear, this is indeed a matchup of spare, middle-of-the-pack NFL teams. However, I'd give up a point and a half and take the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets for a quick payday.

Houston (+7) @ Jacksonville
Houston is becoming the Texas Rangers of the NFL. This team may NEVER get it together. I like Jacksonville, and I like them at home even more. Do I like them seven points worth? Ummm, yeah, I guess.

Baltimore (+5.5) @ Pittsburgh
There might be ten points scored in this game. I think I'd take the Ravens and the under at 34. Now watch Rothlisberger wake up from his coma and pass for 500 yards and 7 TDs...

Washington (+11) @ Dallas
I think the Cowboys win, and I don't think there's much drama. However, 11 points? I wouldn't bet a dime on this game, but since it's play-dough, I'll take the points.

Comedic Value Game of the Week
There's surprisingly few laughers this week. I think it's either Buffalo (whom I sorta like) @ St Louis - any game that involves the Rams has to be considered for CVGW - or Cleveland @ Cincinnati, the battle of the two last places in America I would want to live.

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday: Ike'd up and ready to go (ROCK ME!)

As we await Ike, the lesser-known 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse, what better way to spend our remaining hours on this Earth than picking football games?

Onward!

Colleges

Washington State (+1) @ Baylor
Good heavens, Baylor is favored. I guess that's what happens when you lose to Cal 66-3 in your opener, as Washington St did last week. Still, it's sorta hard to figure. This game got bumped up to prevent God and His little buddy Ike from messing things up. May be over by now, in fact. I think I will break one of my cardinal rules here and go w/ the Bears.

UNT (+44.5) @ LSU
What is Coach Dodge telling his boys this week? "Guys, if we're lucky, the hurricane will blow right thru Baton Rouge and we won't have to go"? Well, the hurricane disappointed. This promises to be a bass-whipping of dreadful proportions. I hope UNT's cut of the gate is worth it.

SMU (+36.5) @ Texas Tech
The over/under on successful tackles may be around 10 in this game, while the o/u on duration is probably 5 hours. With as many times as these two teams will be throwing, this may be the longest game in the history of college football. In about 3 years, if we're lucky and June Jones isn't the snake-oil salesman I somewhat suspect he is, this may be a great game to watch. Not now. Tech covers.

Georgia @ South Carolina (+7)
Yee-ha! The Redneck Game of the Week is BACK, baby! No shirt, no shoes, no problemo, man! Pack your '77 El Camino full of moonshine and your cousins, even the kissin' cousins, and come on down! Which one will there be more of - yards gained on the field, or original teeth in the stands? Georgia covers, by the way.

Michigan @ Notre Dame (+1.5)
Oh. My. God. The world has truly turned upside down. The state of these two programs makes me question everything I thought I knew. Is passive resistance still effective? Is the atomic weight of carbon still 12? Is red dye #40 still bad for you? Nothing is sure any more. I have no pick, only sadness and dreams of better days in Ann Arbor and South Bend both.

OU @ Washington (+20.5)
Bad things seem to happen to the Sooners in the land of the Pac-10. Sorry, Coach Stoops, but I'm taking the points.

Ohio State (+11) @ USC
One of the few legitimate big games in non-conference. I like OSU's willingness to play the big boys early. Everyone is picking the Trojans to kill 'em. I dunno - I keep thinking USC and, especially, Pete Carroll are just a tad overrated. I'll take the points.

Boston University vs. the 1987 ROTC cadet graduates
Dan Haines (whom I have just re-established contact with after 21 years) and Pat Bomberg combine to pistol-whip the ghost of Pat Mancini, causing a late fumble and score. Raise your hand if you have any idea what I'm talking about.

Pros

New England (+1.5) @ NYJ
The tables have turned, or so it would seem. This is certainly not Tom Brady vs. Chad Pennington. Let's see what Bellichick can pull out of the hood of his silly sweatshirt. I'm taking the Pats until proven wrong.

New Orleans @ Washington (pick)
Someone needs to tell me why this game is pick. What on Earth do the Redskins have? Joe Gibbs hung it up because he saw what was coming this year. I think the Redskins have a chance to be really, really bad. Give me the Saints.

San Diego @ Denver (+1.5)
I think history will show that Phillip Rivers is a choke artist. Dude annoys the crap out of me. As much as I am a Norv Turner fan, and as much as I appreciate what he did for the Cowboys back in the 90s, I don't think much of him as a head coach. Shanahan, with his rodent teeth, will win the coaching battle, and the Broncos will win the game.

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (+6)
Is Cleveland that bad, or are the Cowboys that good? We'll know more after this one. I would love to see the Browns put a whuppin' on 'em, but I sure wouldn't bet that way. Give me the Steelers.

Philadelphia (+7) @ Dallas
Should be a good early season game. There's a real chance that the Cowboys kill 'em. I think the Cowboys clobbered a so-so Browns team last week, while the Eagles got no test at all from a truly horrible Rams team. I think what we saw from the Cowboys was legit, while what we saw from the Eagles was a mirage. I'll give up 7, not happily, and will hope for a big Romo night.

Comedic Value Game of the Week
As always, so many to choose from. This week's honor goes to Miami @ Arizona. I really wonder what the Phoenix area did to offend God so badly that He sent them the Cardinals?

Go (insert your team here)!

The much-talked-about return of Football Friday

After far too long a hiatus, we bring back the most popular CIT staple of all time, Football Friday. Please refer all media inquiries to my agent, who's number and email are tragically unlisted - may be time for a new agent...

Regardless, onward!

Colleges

Cincinnati (+21.5) @ OU
Early season college games are, for the most part, a beating. This one is no exception. This is the sort of team Switzer used to hang half a hundred on by halftime. Cincinnati is supposed to be all that in the Big East. Excuse me, but I didn't realize the Big East actually played football. Give me OU by a lot more than the spread.

Miami (+21.5) @ Florida
I had to double check this one. Are you SURE it isn't Miami (OH)? It isn't. It's the formerly-great Hurricanes. Jimmy must be rolling in his grave. Wait... Whatever, the mighty have indeed fallen. It's early Sept and I am already tired of Tim Tebow. I would love to see Miami give them a soo-prise, but there's just no way. Give me the Gators, grudgingly.

Texas Tech @ Nevada (+10.5)
Nevada can run a bit. If the Raiders can keep the ball away from 'em, this could get ugly, but the Raiders don't play a lot of defense. I still think Mike Leach's pirate thing is pretty gay, thus I will go with the points, and am willing to go so far as to predict an upset.

Texas St (+9) @ SMU
I think Texas State was the team in Necessary Roughness, one of the worst examples of a sports movie ever made. June Jones may wind up bringing college ball back to the DFW Metroplex of Love, but there is no way the Mustangs should be 9 point favorites over a 3A high school team. I will take the points, even if Texas St trots out Kathy Ireland as their kicker.

A&M @ NM St (+2.5)
If I may state the obvious, the Mike Sherman Era is not off to a big start. Last week's shocking (SHOCKING!) loss to Arkansas State, coupled with being a measly 2.5 point favorite over a state school from a football backwater like New Mexico is NOT what the Ags signed up for. I can easily see A&M losing this game. If so, FireSherman.com will be up and flying come Monday.

Northwestern (+10) @ Baylor
WHAT? What on Earth are they thinking in Vegas? Has anyone who sets a line actually SEEN the Bears in the past 10 years? How in the name of Baby Jesus is Baylor favored by 10 over ANYONE? Give me those points.

Texas @ UTEP (+26.5)
If the 'Horns are going to do anything this year, they need to beat the snot out of the Miners. I think they do, covering by halftime and playing the pom-pom girls by the end of the 4th.

Boston University vs. the immortal soul of Carolyn Bessette
Yes, she went to BU. And yes, it's too dark for words.

Pros

Let's start with the caveat that no one knows anything this time of year. We're all just guessing. OK, rear-end covered, on with the picks:

Jacksonville @ Tennessee (+3)
Is Vince a pro QB? I'm ready to say no, but then I was ready to say no about 10 minutes after the Rose Bowl lo those many years ago (OK, I said "don't bet against him", but I meant it in a negative way). If he's gonna be anything other than the greatest college player in the history of ever, now is the time to prove it. Give me the Jags.

St Louis (+7.5) @ Philadelphia
We keep hearing how Philly is back this year. Maybe so, but we won't be in any better position to say yea or nay after this one. St. Louis is terrible. This one may look like UT-UTEP by the end.

Minnesota (+2.5) @ Green Bay
I'm interested. I don't think either of these teams is going to do much of anything this year, but there are plot lines galore here. It would be better in late Nov, with a cold wind blowing thru Lambeau, but I'll take it in Week 1. I kinda like the Vikings, even though they have NOTHING after Adrian.

Denver @ Oakland (+3)
Remember when this was a big game? When does Al Davis finally release the Raiders from their misery? Denver wins easily. Apologies to my father-in-law, but the Raiders are awful.

NY Jets @ Miami (+3)
The loser has to take Parcells for the rest of this stage of his career. Keep payin' the mortgage in South Florida, you Pear-Shaped Football Genius, you.

KC @ New England (no line)
Please. Even Vegas sees no point in playing this one.

Cowboys @ Cleveland (+5.5)
I want to believe. I really do. I will believe until it is beaten out of me. Cowboys big. Please...

Comedic Value Game of the Week:
As is often the case, we have two top contenders for this coveted title:
Arizona @ SF, and
Detroit @ Atlanta
Both of 'em really make you want to run out and buy the NFL Sunday Ticket, don't they?

Go (insert your team here)!

The most triumphant return of... FOOTBALL FRIDAY

Don't worry about it being Week 4 in the colleges and Week 3 in the pros. It's time to resume this most popular CIT feature.

I'm so excited.

Enough Pointer Sisters references. Onward!

Colleges

South Carolina (+16.5) @ LSU - I'll admit Steve Spurrier is a far better college coach than he was an NFL coach, and I'll further admit he's got the Gamecocks (uncomfortable) well along on the road to respectability. But (you knew that was coming), this is LSU. Those boys from the swamp play a bit of defense, and their offense ain't too shabby either, cher. This one looks like a blowout to me.

Georgia (+3.5) @ Alabama - What a glorious Redneck Game of the Week this one is! If you're a fan of SEC football, Southern hospitality, and a unnaturally small gene pool, this one is for you. Give me that Crimson Tide to cover, and recycled #8 Budweiser shirts over the new #88 Amp merch by about 4 touchdowns.

SMU (+21) @ TCU - No one outside of Dallas/Ft Worth, and precious few in the area, give a rat's patoot about this one. Poor SMU. You will never see the NCAA hand out the Death Penalty again. With all that said, SMU does seem to give TCU a bit of a tussle every year, and 21 points is a bunch. TCU wins easily, but not that easily.

Michigan St @ Notre Dame (+12.5) - It makes me smile to see both Notre Dame and Michigan suck so hard. Think NBC is diggin' that TV contract about now? Touchdown Jesus is taking Yom Kippur off. And speaking of Spartans, did you see 300...?

Rice (+38.5) @ Texas - I'm a Burnt Orange kind of guy, but what on Earth has Texas done to deserve 38 points against ANYONE? I don't doubt the 'Horns win, and by a bunch. But 38? I'll take some of that, please.

Penn St @ Michigan (+3) - Do the Wolverines play games on the road anymore? Just wondering. What used to be a classic is now a snoozer of the highest order. How much worse can it get in Ann Arbor? Quite a lot, I think. the thrashing continues at the hands of the Nittany Lions and the eternally overrated Joe Paterno.

Florida Atlantic @ North Texas (+6.5) - Todd Dodge is going to turn that Mean Green program around, and they may one day be the Florida Atlantic of Texas, but not yet. Anyway, since they tore down Frye St., Denton just isn't the same.

Boston University vs. Josh Beckett's 20th win - Dude should have been a Ranger.

Look forward to next week's Football Friday, when we resume taking shots at A&M.

Pros

Detroit (+6) @ Philadelphia - Don't look now, but Donovan McNab has lost it. I can't tell if he's still recovering from last year's injury, trying to avoid this year's injury, or has just lost the touch, but he looked BAD on Monday night. And while you're not looking, Detroit sorta seems to be going in the right direction. I know, I know. It's Detroit. And one of their wins came across the truly horrible Raiders. I still think I like the points here.

San Diego @ Green Bay (+4.5) - Norv Turner can't screw up a team this badly this quickly, can he? I mean, he needs more time to completely knock the wheels off a team as good as San D? Right? And who the heck does Green Bay have? The Chargers have to cover this one, don't they?

Tennessee (+4) @ New Orleans - One thing I can definitely predict is that ESPN will show us approximately 45 minutes worth of Rose Bowl highlights during Monday's telecast. The Vince-vs.-Reggie Bush angle will be so overplayed that you'll be drooling on yourself by the time a burnt-orange-and-white-clad Vince scampers into the end zone. As for this game, New Orleans has to win it. Going 0-3 will just reaffirm the bad mojo that's hung over this franchise for the past 25 years.

NYG (+4) @ Washington - Oof. Both of these teams are bad. The NFC East is easily the most overrated division in the league, every year, and this year anything the Cowboys might have (which remains to be seen) is more than offset by the stench coming out of East Rutherford and Landover. Someone has to win, I guess, but neither of these teams are going anywhere this year. I suppose I'll take the points to go with the Dramamine.

Dallas (+3) @ Chicago - On one hand, here's a potentially great offense (I'm not a believer quite yet, but you do have to like what Romo, Garrett, & Co have shown so far) against one of the top 3 defenses in the league. On the other, you've got an inept, Rex Grossman-led offense vs a very, very suspect defense (I'm sorry, but last week's domination of Miami proved nothing - Trent Green has no business being a starting QB anywhere). I can't really believe I'm saying this, but I think the Cowboys can score on the Bear defense, and I don't think Chicago's offense could score 14 points on Frisco Wakefield High School.

Comedic Value Game of the Week - Cleveland @ Oakland - On the other hand, Frisco Wakefield could probably pound either one of these teams. Which fans annoy you more - the Mad Max-ripoff artists in the "Black Hole", or the idiots in the dog masks?

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday-ish - Championship Weekend

Late, but not too late.

Only two games today, obviously. However, this is the last weekend of the football season which resembles a football weekend. After this, its the utter stupidity of Super Bowl Sunday, which I will probably spend with my lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe of my car.

Fortunately, that's two weeks in the future. This week, we can still talk football like it's a sport, rather than the world's most inane circus.

Saints (+2.5) @ Chicago - I am still on that Saints bandwagon. I loved what they did to Philadelphia. And, I have to tell you, I'm not that impressed with Chicago. Their defense is not what it was at the beginning of the season, and the only QB I like less in a big game than Rex Grossman is Chris Simms. Neither team has much in the way of playoff experience, neither coach is exactly big-game seasoned. Sure, the Saints are a dome team forced to play outside in the cold, but this is not a light-it-up, deep-passing team. They can run and hit the short pass, perfect for bad weather. Give me the Saints to win.

Pats (+3) @ Colts - All I need to know here is Peyton Manning, always looking for a reason to choke, against Tom Brady, the man who doesn't do anything but win. Peyton has a chance to shake the "Loser" tag again today, and nothing in his past indicates he'll be any more successful this time. The guy has made a career out of losing the big game, both in college and the pros. Belichick and Brady, on the other hand, are in their element. Give me the Pats.

And since I intend to go into a deep coma for the duration of the Super Bowl onslaught of vulgarity, I'll take the Pats over the Saints by 14.

Mark it down.

UPDATE 01/22/07 8:00 a.m.: Another 0-fer. Some of you have suggested a good gambling strategy is to take my picks and bet the exact opposite. I endorse this strategy. It's quite clear that I have NO idea what I'm talking about.

Now we have two weeks of inane run-up to The Most Overblown Show on Earth. Yippee. When we finally get to game-time, we'll all be sitting on our respective couches, drooling into little dishes set in our laps.

As for the game itself, I'm going to go with the more complete team, which appears to be the Colts at the moment. However, Peyton is the still the Great Unknown in big games. This is his opportunity to shake the "Can't Win the Big One" tag once and for all. He took a GIANT step yesterday. I'm actually pulling for him to go all the way.

Football Friday - Divisional Playoff Edition

We're down to eight. I think all four teams left in the AFC have something. I'm not nearly as impressed with the NFC. Regardless, there are some games worth a stop-down this weekend, especially since it seems likely the DFW Metroplex of Love is going to be encased in ice for the next few days.

Onward!

Colts (+4) @ Ravens - Baltimore has it goin' on on defense. The Colts, potentially, have it goin' on on offense. This SHOULD be a great struggle. However, Peyton and his mates forgot to show up last week, and there's no guarantee they're back for this one. Defense rules this time of year. Give me the Ravens.

Eagles (+6) @ Saints - I am on the Saints' bandwagon, and will be pulling for them like crazy against the hated Beagles. I think they've got the touch. HOWEVER, they are still the Saints, they still play in the Super Dome, site of some nutty curse or another, and it's really tough to believe they are where they are. Six points is a bunch to lay, but if I'm gonna be on the bandwagon, I gotta do it.

Seahawks (+9) @ Chicago - The only thing the Seahawks proved against the Cowboys is they are slightly less chokish. Seattle and Chicago both seem like teams built of straw. One good punch, and I think either of them can fold. I have so little faith in Rex Grossman that I'm going to take the points, and would not be surprised at all if Seattle wins outright.

Pats (+4.5) @ San Diego - Now THIS is a playoff game. This one ought to be at pick, if you ask me, and that's why I'm going with the Pats. Well, that and a slight sentimentality, always fatal to the gambler (which, I must reiterate, I am not). Don't bother calling during this one - I'm not answering the phone for the duration. I think this is your Super Bowl, right here.

I made my emergency trip to the grocery for supplies, so I'm ready to be stranded in the house for days. As long as the power and the cable hold out, bring it on!

Football Friday - Wildcard Edition

Oooh. "Wildcard." Sounds cool, doesn't it? "We're a WILDCARD team. Anything can happen. Watch out."

It's Wildcard Weekend in the National Robot League, and, no doubt, excitement abounds, somewhere...

Kansas City (+7) @ Indianapolis - Can the Colts defense stop anyone? Are they, after the Cowboys, the worst defense in the playoffs? We shall see - Larry Johnson is a load, and the Colts have shown no inclination to slow down anyone's running game. On the other hand, Peyton and Co can certainly score points. It's a tough one to call, but I'm going to take the seven and go with KC.

Jets (+8.5) @ Pats - It seems like the Pats have figured it out. And who the heck are the Jets anyway? I know, I know, everyone has underestimated the Jets this year. I just have too much faith in The Guy in the Crappy Hooded Sweatshirt and his Storm Troopers.

Giants (+7) @ Eagles - This is the only easy bet for me. The Eagles have impressed me a bunch the last few weeks, and the Giants are in a free-fall that approaches the one the Cowboys are in. I think there's a good chance this turns into a rout. Look for extreme ugliness in the City of Brotherly Shove, both on the field and in the stands.

Cowboys (+3) @ Seattle - Wow, this is a tougher call than it should be. On one hand, the Cowboy D has got to be the most demoralized group this side of the Palestinian Authority. On the other hand, Seattle is so tapped for defensive backs that they're probably going to start Pete Hunter. Is this a playoff game or a reality TV show? Well, it wouldn't be the Dark Side without an anti-Cowboy pick, although I do think there's an outside chance the Cowboys prolong the agony for another week.

Football Friday and other sports-related quick hits

I have been remiss in covering football for you, the loyal CIT reader (all 4 of you, God bless you each and every one). My only excuse is the Cowboys' resurgence drained my life force. Now that they're reeling again, my energy and sarcasm are back in top form.

College Bowls

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Sorry, no interest this year.

Pros

Pittsburgh (+6) @ Cincinnati - The end of a miserable season for the Steelers. I'm trying to stay on the Bengal bandwagon. I think I'm going to regret this one, but give me the guys in stripes.

Miami (+9) @ Colts - What the HELL is wrong with the Colts all of a sudden? I mean, other than their defense is awful, Dallas Clark has been hurt, and Peyton Manning is the most overrated QB since Phil Simms. The Dolphins have no idea who their QB is right now, and the Colts have GOT to get the wheels back on. Nine points is a lot to lay, but I'll take a deep breath and go with Indianapolis.

Carolina @ New Orleans (+3) - This game means nothing for the Saints, and it's obvious Vegas thinks the entire first team is going to sit. I hate games like this. I guess I'll go with the conventional wisdom and take Carolina. I will change my tune next week, though. I'm on the Saints bandwagon big-time!

Atlanta (+9) @ Philadelphia - The Eagles looked All-World while humiliating the Cowboys last week. They seem to be peaking at the right time. This game does mean something for both teams, but I really liked what I saw from Philly last week. Again, its a huge spread, but give me the boys from the City of Brotherly Shove.

Pats (+3) @ Titans - Another one where the better team has nothing to play for. Is Vince Young proving me wrong? Can he be a great NFL QB? He's got the physical tools, there's no doubt about it. Can he handle it mentally? We shall see. He's been impressive so far. I'm gonna go with Tennessee here, just because I think they've got more to prove.

Detroit (+13) @ Dallas - The Cowboys have failed to show up for two critical home games in the past three weeks. I think this team is doubting itself in a big way. I'm gonna take all those points, and it's not going to surprise me one bit if the Lions win outright.

Comedic Value Game of the Week - Browns (+4) @ Houston - Wow, what a stinker. Find me 15 people on this planet who give a crap about this one, and I'll give you a pick. Ready, set, go...

Sports-Related Quick Hits

Baseball Free Agency Goes Completely Insane

The Rangers lost out on free-agent pitcher Barry Zito yesterday, as the newly-crowned Dumbest Team in Sports, the SF Giants, gave him a $126 million, seven-year contract.

I am SO glad the Rangers got beat out, as they has reportedly offered Zito a six-year deal (for a lot less, but still INSANE numbers).

How many times do we need the object lesson: Long-term contracts for pitchers are complete madness. Let's tick off a few examples: Kevin Brown (a kendo-stick to the shins), Mike Hampton (brass knuckles to the gut), and, the grand-daddy of 'em all, Chan Ho Park (a 2X4 to the gresticles).

At this point, with the way pitchers get hurt and the speed with which they deteriorate (and the deterioration has already started for Zito), I wouldn't sign Walter Johnson or Cy Young himself to a six-year deal.

Well, this will be a boat anchor around the necks of the Giants for years to come. Good luck with all that.

Stars - Most Schizo Team in the NHL?

Your Dallas Stars can't figure out if they're a good team or not yet. Granted, injuries have ravaged this bunch, and even die-hard fans are looking at the roster and going, "Who?" Even with that, though, Marty Turco has been a bit shaky lately. You can have your Modanos, your Morrows, your Lindroses, this is Martin Turco's team and it will only go as far as he takes it. Its too early to panic or even predict, but Stars fans, who are few and far between lately, are getting antsy.

Mavs - Kickin' Ace and Takin' Names

The Mavs are rolling, beating good team after good team, playing exceptionally well, and getting contributions from the guys they really need to contribute. Last night's Dirk buzzer-beater to win by 2 over the Suns was, by all accounts, as good a battle as we've seen between these two new rivals.

I have no idea how Avery Johnson gets these guys psyched up night in and night out. After that epic playoff run last year, the thought of 82 regular season games must seem pretty unattractive to the team. Yet not so - they're playing their rears off every night. God bless em. It's getting to the time of year to really start paying attention.

Football Friday – The Ice Storm Does Not Showeth edition

In a surprise to exactly no one over the age of about 12, “Arctic Blast 2006” was a giant fizzle. The so-called “weathermen” have a lot of brass calling what they do a “profession”. See? I’m so upset, I can’t even control my use of quotation marks.

Well, never mind all that nonsense. The college season is reaching its crescendo, and the pros are starting to sort themselves out. Lots to talk about today, so let’s get to it!

Colleges

USC @ UCLA (+13.5) – It must be a big game, as ABC is dispatching “Big Game Brent” to broadcast it. Which is too bad – I really wanted to watch it. Question: Can a game be good enough to counter-balance Brent Musburger? How does that guy get the big college game every week? Whatever. USC will win, and probably by a bunch. But 13.5 is too much for me. Give me the Bruins.

Arkansas (+3) vs. Florida @ Atlanta – The SEC Title Game (and, by default, the Redneck Game of the Week) is an interesting one this year. The Gators are not that great, but they can throw the ball. Arkansas is pretty darn good, but they can’t defend the pass. I think Arkansas wins for two reasons: 1). Florida is probably underestimating them, and 2) Razorback fans will annoy the Florida team into defeat. They do it to me every week.

Nebraska (+4) vs. Oklahoma @ KC – The Big 12 Title Game is not so interesting. This was, once upon a Big 8 time, one of the greatest rivalries in all of sports. Unfortunately, not so much anymore. Oklahoma is the better team, and may have the best defense in the country. Bob Stoops has, once again, proven the superiority of his sports brain, willing this injury-ravaged team to the success it’s had.

Rutgers (+10.5) @ West Virginia – Did we really think these were Top 5 teams at one point this year? We did? How silly. I totally don’t care about the outcome of the game, but I would LOVE to see the crowd at this one. The home side will be a bunch of coal miners and hillbillies, the visitor side a bunch of Christopher Moltisanti look-alikes. Talk about clash of cultures.

Overly Dramatic Pick of the Week: Fresno St. (+4) @ San Jose St. – The techies vs. the lettuce growers is sure to be a pitched battle between the classes, between the whities and the Meskins, between the future high earners and the future working class. Tune in to witness the final conflict between the forces of Karl Marx vs. those of supply-side economics. There can be only one!

Boston University vs. the cast and crew of “BU Tonight” – Since when does BU have 1) a campus TV station, and 2) a late-night TV talk show? I’ve seen some clips from this thing (look for a Daily YouTube with one in the not-too-distant future), and everyone in it needs a SERIOUS beating.

Pros

Minnesota (+9.5) @ Chicago – There’s NO QUESTION the Bears are the better team, but can their offense outscore anyone by 10 points? I sorta don’t think so. Give me the points.

Atlanta (+1.5) @ Washington – Oh, sure. Atlanta is bad and in full melt-down mode. And the Redskins have a new QB. Sorry, not everyone is Tony Romo. The Falcons are nowhere near as bad as they’ve played recently. The Nation’s Capital is the place to get your wheels back on.

Detroit (+14) @ Pats – Danger, Will Robinson! Fourteen points in the NFL is a WHOLE lot. Still, the Pats have the wheels on again, and Detroit so totally does not. Argh. It’s too much. Give me Detroit (kill me now).

Carolina @ Philadelphia (+3) – THIS is your Monday night game? WTF?? How much did ESPN pay to broadcast barforama games like this? Give me a good night’s sleep. No WAY I’m staying up for this one.

Cowboys @ Giants (+4) – The Giants are imploding and the Cowboys are world-beaters. Or are they? The Giants may very well use this week’s negativity to rally around. And, let’s face it, Tony Romo has to come back to his home planet at some point, doesn’t he? I’m taking the points (shocking), and will be working up Monday’s Dark Side post throughout.

Comedic Value Game of the Week – As usual, silly games outnumber serious ones by about 2 to 1. It’s always a struggle to narrow it down to one. While Jets @ Packers and Cardinals @ Rams are both great ones from a Buster Keaton-pratfall perspective, Houston @ Oakland really has to be the winner this week (or any week). Things are gonna be tough in the East Bay this weekend – it’s either this abysmal football game or the big Walnut Creek Hippie Craft Festival. Not sure which way I’d go.

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday-ish - The Thanksgiving slate

In a big ol' honkin' hurry, as the wife has turned the kitchen into a recreation of the Somme. However, there are three games today (only two of which I'll get to see, more in a moment). So, onward!

Miami @ Detroit (+2.5) - Good Lord, what a time-waste. Time for my annual rant on why Detroit rates a Thanksgiving game. I like the cheese tray over the chips'n'dip by two cocktail napkins, and I'll go with the over on the 2 Blue Paddle lagers. Wake me up when this one is over.

Tampa Bay (+11) @ Cowboys - I readily admit the Cowboys showed me something on Sunday, but 11 points? Are you kidding? I think there's a good chance the Cowboys are drinking their own Kool-Aid, and Tony Romo is making his reservations in Honolulu. I'll take the points.

Denver (+1) @ KC - The best game of the day, and, thanks to the money-induced pissing contest between Time Warner and the NFL, I'll get to listen to this one on the radio. I'm actually with Time Warner on this one - I'd pay for the NFL Network, and I don't think everyone should get it and get their rates jacked up if they don't want it. Regardless, in this fight, the consumer is the only loser. Jerks. I like KC, by the way. Jake (The Fake) Plummer is always looking for a good excuse to choke, and this is one of the better ones.

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday - You should be dancin', YEAH! edition

Friday again, in a week where I picked a fight with Sports Bob over the gayness of "Dancing With the Stars" (my vote: NOT GAY). What better way to celebrate than to quote Bee Gees lyrics until my voice goes up three octaves? That, and pick some football games.

I've heard through the grapevine that some of you out there scoff at my prognosticating abilities. Well, I've got news for you, dude. I scoff at them too. Anyone using this silly little blog to check their picks before calling their bookie gets what's coming to them.

So with that bit of self-deprecation behind us, let's get to it:

Colleges

Oklahoma St (+6) @ Texas Tech - Graham Harrell may rewrite the Tech record book before he's done, and that's saying something. However, I think the Cowboys don't really need six points here. Gimme Okie St to cover. By the way, I heard they're giving away Mike Leach-autograph-model plastic swords and eyepatches at this one. Hope it's true. Argh, matey.

Arkansas @ Mississippi St (+14.5) - Them Root-Hogs have come out of nowhere. What's up with that? I have no explanation. Regardless, it's liable to get messy in Starkville. I'm not ready to get up on my desk and start Callin' the Hawgs, but I'll lay down those 14 and a half.

Auburn @ Alabama (+3) - YEAH, baby! This one is always Redneck Game of the Week. Hell, this is Redneck Game of the Year, the Original Redneck Game. Yeeee-haaaaa!! This game has it all - Big Southern Dummies wherever you look, a parking lot paved with crushed-out Winstons and cans of Coors, and a who's-who of recessive gene disorders. Expect a whole lotta Lynryd Skynyrd rattling out of blown dashboard speakers and lots of muffin-tops hanging over polyester shorts. And expect Auburn to win by 7.

Michigan (+7) @ Ohio State - Why am I not psyched more for this game? Is it because I think Ohio State is going to kill the Wolverines? That's part of it. This is a classic matchup, it's #1 vs #2 for the second time this year, it's Nov football in the Midwest. What's not to like? And yet, my interest level is running on fumes. Maybe it's me...

Tennessee @ Vanderbilt (+7.5) - The Volunteers are my Disappointing Team of the Year, and I want Phil Fulmer's melon on a spike, dammit! Well, screw 'em. Give me Vanderbilt to cover, even though every time I hear "Vanderbilt", I always think of the nearsighted bugler on "F-Troop".

Virginia Tech @ Wake Forest (pick) - How the mighty have fallen. I'd take the Hokies for sentimental reasons only.

We're debuting a new feature here on CIT: The Overly Dramatic Pick of the Week. Here goes:

Oklahoma @ Baylor (+20.5) - Last year, I thought Baylor had found the secret. This year, they've lost it again. The Sooners are the best team in the Big 12 right now. I think the Brazos runs red with Baptist blood.

Pretty dramatic, huh?

Boston University vs. Deval Patrick - the new governor of Mass is probably a great guy, and may wind up being great for the state, but he looks a bit, and sounds a lot, like Mike Tyson.

Pros

Pats @ Green Bay (+6) - What in the Holy Name of God is going on with the Pats? They lose to the friggin' Jets? They sign 87-year-old Vinny Testaverde. It's looking like full-on collapse from here. Well, if you're fighting a collapse, Green Bay is probably the place to do it. At least, I hope so. I'm going with my heart, not my head here. Give me the (gulp) Pats.

Atlanta (+4) @ Baltimore - Ray Lewis had surgery on his back, but isn't definitively out for this one. That guy is nuts. I would have thought the Ravens would clean Atlanta's clock, but they BARELY beat the ridiculous little Titans last week, so I dunno. Give me the Ravens, but I ain't putting the mortgage payment on this one.

Titans (+13) @ Eagles - Another example of why betting on the NFL will kill you young. The Eagles are so schizo - no wonder their fans are such a-holes. They've all been driven completely nuts by their psychotic team. Oh, crap. Give me Vince Young to cover at least.

Giants (+3) @ Jacksonville - I guess I'm an idiot, but this looks like the biggest no-brainer of the week. You're going to give me the Giants, on Monday night, AND 3? I'll take it.

Colts @ Cowboys (+2) - WHHHAAAAAATTT? The Cowboys are getting 2? They need 22. Why does everyone think the Cowboys can hang with the Colts? They can't. Yes, that's right. I said: They CAN'T! Some people are comparing Romo to Peyton - seriously, I'm not making this up. What the hell have these people been watching? Or smoking? It's gonna be a GREAT week on the Dark Side. Please stop by on Monday to see how much fun we're having.

Comedic Value Game of the Week: Detroit @ Arizona - Why, oh why, do they do this to us every stinking week? Why must they schedule games so rancid, so awful, that they make us long for pre-season college basketball? Good God, I'd rather watch TENNIS than this swill.

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday - TO's Got the Dropsies Edition

The weeks just fly by at this time of year, don't they? We're less than two weeks from Thanksgiving - how did that happen?

While there are no knock-your-mama-out match ups this weekend, there are some games of note. So, let's get to it:

Colleges

Nebraska @ A&M (Pick) - I guess I'm an A&M hater, but I don't get it. How is this game down to pick? Who have they beaten? Well, they aren't beating the Cornhuskers, not even at Kyle Field. I will take Nebraska, and I don't think it's close.

Tennessee @ Arkansas (-6) - Redneck Game of the Week? While Arkansas isn't really the Deep South (at least not to me), I think it probably is. Both teams are working in new QBs this week, so it's likely to be a messy one. Tennessee keeps disappointing me, so I'd lay the points. And look forward to halftime, when the bands have a showdown, both playing Roger Miller's Chug A Lug at top volume while the fans try to polish off their Mason jars fulla 'shine.

Georgia @ Auburn (-12) - This ought to be Redneck Game of the Week, except Georgia is truly showing it's a** this year. Sorry, Johnny G., your Dawgs suck. I like Auburn by about 20.

Texas Tech @ Oklahoma (-9) - I made a promise not to bet against Bob Stoops for the rest of the year, and I won't, even though 9 points makes me a bit queasy.

Texas @ K St (+16) - I keep waiting for Colt McCoy to play like a redshirt freshman. He hasn't done it yet, and there's no reason to think he will against sorry Kansas State. I'm gonna keep going Burnt Orange (which I readily admit is the worst color this side of the old Tampa Bay Buc's day-glo) until they make me regret it.

Boston University vs. the latest fare increase on the T - What do they think this is? New York?

Pros

Chargers (-1) @ Cincinnati - I really tried to get on the Bengals' bandwagon earlier in the season. I have no idea what's gone wrong there, but something clearly has. Give me the latter-day LT to have a big ol' honkin' day.

Baltimore (-7) @ Tennessee - Think Mr. McNair has a thing or two to prove to the Titans? The jury is still out on Vince Young. I still think he's a failed bit in the pros, but time will tell. I'm giving up a lot of points this week, but I have to go Ravens here.

New Orleans @ Pittsburgh (-4.5) - I still want to believe in the Saints, and Pittsburgh's wheels are so off. I think I'm going to regret this one, but give me New Orleans.

Washington @ Philadelphia (-7) - I think both of these teams suck, but I sure like Donovan McNab vs. geezing Mark Brunell. Seven points is a lot here, but I'll lay it.

Chicago @ NYG (-1) - Chicago, maybe a bit over-rated? Their defense is great, but what, exactly, has Rex Grossman ever done? This should be a good game, and I'm leaning towards the Giants.

Dallas (-7) @ Arizona - While I'll be pulling for the Cardinals (can you IMAGINE how much fun the Dark Side post will be if the Cowboys lose here?), there is NO WAY I would EVER bet on them. Why does Denny Green keep getting jobs? What has he ever done? There's talent on this Cardinal team, but they need a new coach and a total karma transplant. It makes my teeth hurt to say this, but give me the Cowboys.

Comedic Value Game of the Week - San Fran @ Detroit - The schedule makers must have laughed themselves silly when they lined this one up. The real reason Ford is failing now? They put their name on the Lion's stadium. God doles out punishment of the highest order to those who support crappy teams.

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday - Tony Romo Looks Just Like My Nephew (age 5) Edition

I swear to God, Romo looks exactly like my 5-year-old nephew. It's sorta surreal. I expect to see him running around in a pair of yellow Crocs every time I see him.

Well, never mind that. We've got us some football games to pick. And we have a lot of ground to make up from last week's 4-8 disaster. Onward!

Colleges

Texas @ OK St (+17) - The Texas defense is showing some a** lately. I think the 'Horn offense is good for a bunch of points - Colt McCoy may wind up being one of the great Texas QBs before he's done. But that defense - I dunno. I think I'd go with the points this week.

Ball St (+38.5) @ Michigan - So, I guess the trick is to schedule your patsies later in the season. Michigan will wipe out Ball St, just like Texas did Sam Houston State a while back. The difference is Michigan won't go into free-fall in the polls because it's too late to penalize them. Everyone paying attention? BTW - I'll take Michigan, although I hate like HELL giving up all those points.

Mississippi St (+15) @ Alabama - Waaaahoooooo! The Redneck Game of the Week is right here, baby! Every time Alabama scores, you're supposed to kiss your sister. Every time Mississippi St scores, you're supposed to kiss your girlfriend. And you can see this punchline coming from 10 miles away, so I won't bother. Give me the Crimson Tide here.

Florida (+12.5) @ Middle Tennessee - This has GOT to be a misprint in the Thurs DMN. Jump on it, man!

Oklahoma @ A&M (+3) - The Aggies are 8-1, but that is the fakest 8-1 in the nation. Oklahoma surprised the you-know-what out of me last week. I should know better than to bet against the superior sports brain of Bob Stoops. Sorry, Coach. It won't happen again.

Boston University vs. the horrible Astro-Turf at Nickerson Field - The worst turf burn of my life came on that damn lousy rug in the spring of 1984. My leg still stings from it. I can't imagine getting drilled into it by 5 200-lb guys on a rainy, 35 degree December Saturday. Maybe that's the real reason BU killed football?

Pros

Indianapolis (+3) @ New England - Game of the Week. Zowie, this should be good. Peyton and Colts killed the Pats last year. I kinda don't think so this year (well, to be honest, I didn't think so last year either). Go Pats!

Cleveland (+12.5) @ Chargers - I don't know why, but when I think of this game, I immediately think of the great Curt Gowdy. Don't ask. Point spreads over 10 always get my attention in the NFL. I don't like Cleveland, but I do like the points.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (+1) - Give me New Orleans. I still want to believe.

Cincinnati (+3) @ Baltimore - What has happened to the Bengals? I really thought they had found something. The Raven defense is looking fairly scary, and this is no place to try to get your offensive wheels back on. I'm gonna lay the points. Go Baltimore. Whee.

Dallas @ Washington (+3) - As mentioned in Monday's Dark Side post (a stellar piece of insightful analysis, if you haven't read it), with this Cowboy team, despair is only a week away. I think despair checks back in at Valley Ranch. Since Joe Gibbs remembered he has Clinton Portis, the Redskins' offense is showing life again.

Comedic Value Game of the Week - Packers @ Buffalo is the funniest game on the slate this week. What do you think - 20,000 in the stands? I might take the under on that.

Go (insert your team here)!

Good thing I don't actually make these bets

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to go back and rehash this past week's football picks. A few weeks ago I went 5-5 and thought the world was ending. Now, I look back on those halcyon days wistfully.

Colleges:
Oklahoma @ Missouri - Wrong. Changing my tune on Chase Daniel.
Auburn @ Mississippi - Better. No Klan robes, at least not on TV.
Georgia vs. Florida - Florida won, which I figured, and covered, which I did not.
Texas @ Tech - 'Horns won, which I figured, but did not cover. What is up w/ the Texas defense?
A&M @ Baylor - God apparently had bigger things to worry about on Saturday. Wrong again.
Tennessee @ South Carolina - Volunteers won (and so did I), but it was closer than I expected.

Pros:
Seahawks @ Chiefs - Close, but no cigar.
Baltimore @ New Orleans - Not so close, and definitely no cigar.
Pittsburgh @ Oakland - Oh dear.
Colts @ Denver - Peyton Manning is regular season genius.
Dallas @ Carolina - Help me prop up that sword so I can fall on it again.
Pats @ Minnesota - Tom Brady is still the best QB to put Drew Bledsoe on the bench.

So, let's tally it up...carry the one...divide by the square root of pi...multiply by the cube of my IQ...and we come up with 4-8.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the back, putting on the dress blues and polishing the service revolver.

Football Friday - It Is OVER edition

WHAT A WEEK! The good news is the Cowboys implosion has really just started. The finger-pointing and blame-avoidance needs a few more weeks (and a few more losses) to gather some momentum. The big TO Owens weapons-grade meltdown is always just around the corner as well. What a mess.

Well, regardless of the utter foolishness going on out at Valley Ranch, the rest of the world is still playing football. There are some big games this weekend, so let's get to it:

Colleges

Oklahoma @ Missouri - The Sooners are one banged-up team. There isn't much left on the shelves and even the superior sports intellect of Coach Stoops isn't going to pull it out of the ditch this year. The Tigers are giving a point and a half, and should have no trouble covering it. Chase Daniel is worth keeping an eye on.

Auburn @ Mississippi - This would be the Redneck Game of the Week, if it weren't for that big to-do down in Jacksonville. I guess in this day and age, it's unlikely anyone attends the game in Klan robes, but it's always a possibility with a matchup like this. Mississippi gets 19, but I'd lay those points and go with the War Eagles/Tigers/whatever their mascot is.

Georgia vs. Florida in Jacksonville - The undisputed Redneck Game of the Week every year. We're not allowed to call it "The World's Largest Cocktail Party" anymore, but I always thought that was a misnomer anyway. C'mon, it's Georgia and Florida. These guys mix beer and tomato juice, not apple martinis. Florida is giving 14, which is an awful lot in a rivalry game. Florida wins the game, but I'm taking the points.

Texas @ Texas Tech - The Red Raiders get 11 here, but they are really bad this year. It's a sad state of affairs when a Mike Leach team struggles to score points. I don't think the 'Horns are an offensive juggernaut, but they should whip up on Tech. Sorry, Shane.

Texas A&M @ Baylor - As mentioned here a few weeks ago, God is not happy with the Ags over their non-conference schedule. Here's where the Almighty extracts Old Testament-style justice. Baylor may win by 50 points. I'd be on the lookout for a few lightening bolts as well.

Tennessee @ South Carolina - Which Volunteers team shows up here? I think the good one, and I think Phil's boys cover the 3.5.

Boston University vs. the ghost of Pat Mancini - The former Terrier QB actually stopped by little CIT last season and left a comment. Nice to hear from him.

Pros

Seahawks @ Chiefs - Seattle has no one healthy, and I think they're going to need most of the 6.5 they're getting. Chiefs win, but Seattle covers.

Baltimore @ New Orleans - It's a strange NFL world when the Saints are favored against the Ravens, but that's where we are. I'm trying hard to be a Saints believer, so put me down for New Orleans to cover the 2.5.

Pittsburgh @ Oakland - Big Ben or no Big Ben, 9 point favorite Pittsburgh should mop the floor with the shockingly bad Raiders.

Colts @ Denver - Indianapolis is a 2 point dog. How is a team with Jake (the Fake) Plummer favored over a team led by Peyton Manning? Give me those points.

Dallas @ Carolina - Oh. My. God. Is there a mercy rule in the NFL like in grade-school baseball? If the score is 75-0, do they make Carolina stop? We'll find out this week. Next week should be even MORE entertaining than this past week around the DFW Metroplex of Love.

New England @ Minnesota - Why is no one talking about the Pats? Maybe they'll get some pub after wiping out the Vikings on prime-time TV.

Comedic Value Game of the Week - As is often the case, we've got two to choose from. Houston @ Tennessee is not a good game, but there's some interest as the Texans get to see what they passed up in Vince Young. And don't forget Arizona @ Green Bay, which I can't even find the words to mock.

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday - Does anyone go 12-0 edition

Welcome to the Friday after the first BCS ranking. And welcome to the reality that Texas has almost no chance of defending its national championship.

Coming in at #9 in the initial BCS, with a whole pile of one-loss teams ahead of them, the 'Horns will have to pray for minor miracles on the field, or a crippling virus in the BCS computers, to get back to the National Championship game. This is primarily a factor of a fairly weak non-conf schedule (except for the Ohio St game, which the 'Horns lost and looked bad doing so), and a TERRIBLE Big 12.

The terrible conference thing cuts both ways, though. The SEC is loaded with terrific teams, but they beat the crap out of each other. A team that can go 12-0 or 11-1 in the SEC is really accomplishing something. Very few can.

Ohio St is obviously the best bet to go undefeated, but they are no lock. From there, it's tougher to call. USC will get beaten. West Virginia might not, but they're West Virginia, for God's sake (sorry Steve and Tony).

It probably doesn't matter for Texas though. They're just too far back. Next year.

On with this week's preview:

Colleges

Texas @ Nebraska - My God, I would love to go see this game. It's fall in Lincoln, the 'Huskers are ranked again, and the National Champs are in town. This should be a great test for Texas. I think the 'Horns win and cover the 5.

A&M @ Oklahoma St - Let me get this straight: The Ags are ranked #23, but they're 3.5 point dogs at Okie St? I dunno, seems like if you're a ranked team, you ought to be favored over an unranked opponent, even at their place. I still think Fran is hanging on by his fingernails. I'll go with Cowboys, and we'll see if Coach Fran makes it back onto the team charter.

Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Here's the Redneck Game of the Week. How are both of these schools ranked? Clemson is giving up 7, and I think it's closer than that. Give me them Yeller Jackets and the points. I think Chan Gailey wins the big Catfish Tournament after the game as well. Them's good eatin' (barf).

Hawaii @ New Mexico St - I know absolutely zero about either team, I just wanted to throw in a comment about Hawaii's travel. How would you like to have to fly 10 hours and across about 5 time zones every other week for the entire semester? For that matter, why would you want to leave Hawaii? I'll have to call Norm on this one - What's Hawaii's road record over the years? I would have thought it's crap, but they're giving 20 points to NM St, so go figure.

Colorado @ Oklahoma - Coach Stoops and his boys have had their share of bad breaks and adversity this year. I wonder if they can keep their chins up. Vegas clearly thinks they can, as the Buffs are getting 14. I dunno about that. Much as I like Coach Bob, I might take those points.

Boston University vs. Rhett, the annoying Terrier mascot - Does a school with a tiny, ugly dog as a mascot really deserve a football team? I guess the answer is no. As for Rhett, the guy-in-a-dog-suit mascot on game day, he was an annoying precursor to Rowdy, the idiotic Cowboy mascot of today.

Pros

Washington @ Indianapolis - It ought to be fun watching the Redskins get friggin' killed by the Colts. I'm actually surprised they let Mark Brunell on the same field as Peyton.

Arizona @ Oakland - The Raiders are SO bad. But the Cardinals are coming off a horrible, should-never-have-happened loss on Monday night to Chicago. Denny Green had a total post-game meltdown. It's interesting to see how Arizona reacts. If they are truly losers (which Cardinal teams have been for YEARS), they will fold after Monday's loss. However, if Leinart and Edge James have infused the team with a bit of positivity, Oakland is a GREAT place for a team to get it's confidence back. I sorta like the Cardinals' chances.

Carolina @ Cincinnati - I really thought the Bengals had something. This is a good place to find out if they do.

Vikings @ Seattle - I hate the Vikings. I love the town of Seattle.

Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay - If the Eagles are going to do anything this year, they HAVE to win this game. I think they do.

Pittsburgh @ Atlanta - Let's see if the Steelers did, in fact, get their wheels back on. I think so.

Giants @ Dallas - The start of a stretch that will tell us what the Cowboys really are. To date, they've beaten up on crap teams and lost to decent ones. I think that tradition holds, thus I predict humiliating and demoralizing losses to both NY this week and Carolina next week. Yahooooo!

Comedic Value Game of the Week - Why would anyone spend good money to see Green Bay at Miami? Clearly, the CVGW is sponsored by Lunesta this week.

Go (insert your team here)!

What the heck do I know about football?

Well, fair is fair. If I get to toot my own horn when I have a good week of picking games, I have to point out when I completely blow it too.

And blow it I did this past weekend. Let's run thru the list:

Florida @ Auburn - didn't see an Auburn resurgence coming.
Michigan @ Penn St. - that's one right, at least.
Missouri @ A&M - Coach Fran lives to fight another week, and I lose again.
Baylor @ Texas - alas, it did not take any genius on my part to get this right.
Iowa St @ OU - I was right here, but I bet OU would trade a win for AP for the rest of the season
Texans @ Cowboys - The Cowboys covered 13. Who woulda thunk? Not me, obviously.
Cincinnati @ TB - You think the Bucs EVER want Chris Simms back?.
Giants @ ATL - Yay, me.
Tenn @ Redskins - Good advice: you will rarely go wrong betting against the Redskins. What do you know, I finally followed some advice.
San Diego @ SF - Shoulda bet San D. The 49ers really are terrible.

5-5 - it wasn't as bad as it felt at the time. But you won't put shoes on the kids' feet that way. Better luck next week.

Football Friday: TO Owens, Team Player edition

And thus endeth a week full of doom and gloom here in Cowboyland. TO Owens spent a good part of the week honking about how little he’s getting the ball. I actually agree with him and the way he presented his case: He says if he was catching 2 or 3 passes a game and the team was winning, he’d shut up. But since they’re 2-2, he thinks he needs the ball more. I think he’s right. What else is the guy here for?

Regardless of whether he has a legit point or not, and you can make up your own mind about that, this is how the inevitable melt-down starts. If the Cowboys continue to lose, and they will, although not this week, TO Owens’ complaints will get louder and more pointed, culminating with him calling out Bledsoe, the coaching staff, the Pear Shaped Football Genius himself, or perhaps all three. And from there, it’s gonna be implosion city.

Bwahahahaha, I can’t wait.

Anyway, on with this week’s preview:

Colleges

Florida @ Auburn – We lead off with the Redneck Game of the Week. I liked Auburn right up until they got drilled by Arkansas last week. Arkansas? This goes to show the non-conf schedule tells us just about nothing. The game is down to pick, which is stunning to me. I am signing up for a quintuple play on Florida. That’s assuming the Gators’ yellow-dog school bus doesn’t break down on the way to the game.

Michigan @ Penn St – The Wolverines will mop the floor with Penn St. Regardless, THIS is a college football game, by God. The leaves are probably turning in PA, there should be a nip in the air. You have got to love fall weekends, man.

Missouri @ Texas A&M – The Ags are getting 2, but they’re gonna need a bunch more than that to get my vote. I fear bad things for A&M this season in general and this weekend in particular. Coach Fran, if he’s smart, has a go bag packed and a fast car parked, nose out, close by.

Baylor @ Texas – The somewhat-resurgent Bears get 28.5 points. I’d stay away from that, but the ‘Horns will kill ‘em. It’s still well within the realm of possibility Texas gets to defend the championship this year.

Iowa St @ OU – The Sooners will win this game, probably pretty easily. However, they’re giving 19, which is too much for the OU offense. I’ll take those points, please.

Boston University vs. the sainted memory of Malcolm Perry – The pride of New Hamster, Malcolm returned kicks for the Fighting Terriers before bailing out for the green pastures (literally) of UNH. A great guy whom I really like, I wonder where he is now…

Pros

Texans @ Cowboys – Everyone is expecting a Dallas romp similar to that of two weeks ago in Tennessee. While the Texans are bad, David Carr seems to have figured out a thing or two. I’m pretty sure the Cowboys will win, but a Texans squeaker would not shock me one bit. How delicious would that be? Oh, and by the way, Houston is getting 13. NO ONE should get 13 against the Cowboys.

Cincinnati @ Tampa Bay – The Bengals are still one of my faves in the AFC. And TB is bad regardless of the condition of Chris Simms and his liberated spleen.

Giants @ Atlanta – The Giants are getting 3 here? I don’t get it. The Giants will win straight up.

Tennessee @ Redskins – Another funky spread. The Titans, admittedly as bad an NFL team as you’ll ever see, are getting 10 against Washington? There may not be a touchdown scored in this game. Gimme the points, man.

San Diego @ SF – Another big spread (SF gets 10), I’m staying away from this one. I think San Diego has a bit in it’s bag, while SF has got nothing. But California is just to strange for me to predict.

Seattle @ St Louis – I think the boys in Vegas have been smoking some major hooch this week. St. Louis gets 3? Seattle is going to kill them. Look for some properties on the Strip going up for sale early next week. Or some hair-gel-wearing dudes in the unemployment lines. Crazy, man.

Comedic Value Game of the Week – We finally have a clear-cut winner. Buffalo @ Detroit is about as uninteresting as it gets. Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp and Fleagle from the Banana Splits will be the broadcast team on this one, with HR Pufenstuff and Hong Kong Phooey roaming the sidelines. Since I’m now out of late-70’s kids TV references, I think I’ll quit here.

Go (insert your team here)!

Football Friday – Cotton Bowl makeover edition

One of the great weekends of the year is here: Texas-OU in the Red River Shootout Rivalry (or whatever it’s called these days). Along with it, we’ve got a few other interesting college matchups and a potential massive, demoralizing loss for the Cowboys, so there’s lots to look forward to. Let’s get to the details, shall we?

Colleges

Texas vs. OU @ Cotton Bowl – This year’s game should be the most evenly matched in years. It will be most interesting to see how young Colt McCoy plays in his first game of consequence since his fair-to-poor showing against Ohio St. As usual, the weather prediction for tomorrow is SPECTACULAR – I can’t remember a Texas-OU game that was played in the rain. Another plus (I think) is the huge HD scoreboard installed at the decrepit old Cotton Bowl. What a waste of time and money. This is sorta like putting a DVD player into your horse-drawn carriage. Regardless, I think we’re in for a good one, but at the end of the day, Texas will win.

LSU @ Florida – Here’s your Redneck Game of the Week. It’s either Florida -2 or pick, depending on where you look. I don’t know – I think it’s a Florida win, but I’d be real careful with that. Them Cajun boys is gonna show up wit sum a dat corn likker and a big ol’ plate a etouffee, cher, so de garlic breath alone gonna be a equalizer. Don’t you big Gainesville city folk be getting’ too comfy, you know dats right.

Nebraska @ Iowa State – Battle of the Corn-Fed Polacks, I bet there isn’t a Jew for 150 miles. I want to know where all the black kids on these teams come from; I’ve spent a fair amount of time in both states, and the brothers are in short supply. Nebraska wins both the game and the pitchfork fight afterwards.

Michigan State @ Michigan – The biggest bong I ever saw was in East Lansing. Taking a hit from it was a two-person effort, and you needed an iron lung to get all the smoke out. What this has to do with college football, I have no idea. I like the Wolverines in this one, since Michigan State has always seemed like a bunch of wannabes to me.

Texas A&M @ Kansas – Coach Fran needs a win in the worst way. If the Aggies lose, I’m headed to College Station to start a torches and pitchforks franchise. I have the merch in the garage, but I don’t think I’ll need to load up this weekend.

SMU @ El Paso – I include this game strictly because it allows me to mention the DMN’s SMU beat writer, Kate Hairopoulos. Think she had a tough childhood?

Boston University vs. the immortal soul of Mark “Pepsi” Moylan – Big Pepsi (I have no idea where the nickname came from) was a giant (by 1-AA standards, anyway) offensive lineman who was, fortunately for his neighbors, a nice, quiet guy. I have to tell you, though, I always tread carefully around Mark. Not all my friends did (and you know who you are).

Pros

Cowboys @ Eagles – I don’t have much regard for Eagle fans, but I hope a few of them figure out how to use a crayon and make some funny signs. I also would love to see TO Owens score a TD, dash out to the emblem at the center of the field, then run like hell as every single fan in the lower bowl storms the field. THAT would be quality entertainment. As I’ve been saying since training camp, I don’t think the Cowboys have much, and I believe the Eagles will romp. It says here Eagles win 37-14, and I will have lots of company on the Dark Side come Monday.

Miami @ New England – Back in the day, this was a huge rivalry. What happened to Miami? The Pats give 9.5, which is a heck of a lot in the pros, but I think you have to go that way.

Tampa @ New Orleans – I still don’t know what the Saints are, but I’m starting to think they’re pretty good. I suspect Tampa is better off with Chris Simms sitting on the couch, spleenless, for the rest of the season. I’m sorry, I’m sure he’s a wonderful human, but I saw too much of his bag at Texas for me to believe he’s ever going to be anything but a spare NFL QB.

Titans (giggle) @ Colts – Scary point spread of the week here – Tennessee gets 18. I don’t recall a bigger spread on any game ever. Anything over 10 gets my attention in the NFL, but I’d tread carefully here. Tennessee is as bad as it gets, and the Colts can score some points.

Pittsburgh @ San Diego – The Chargers are quietly pretty good. The Steelers are starting to make me think last year was a fluke.

Baltimore @ Denver – I’m kinda pulling for Baltimore this year. I think they’ve got a little something. Denver is always tough at home, but I smell upset here.

Comedic Value Game of the Week – As is often the case, I can’t choose between two very worthy candidates. St Louis @ Green Bay is a horror show, but so is Oakland @ San Francisco. I don’t know. I’d rather take a bath in paint thinner than watch either one of these.

Go (insert your team here)!