A Little Bit of Sweetness Goes Straight To the Oven

The Lies of Sarah Palin by Matt Tiabbi

Matt Tiabbi, among other things, write political columns for Rolling Stone. In the latest issue he puts forth his take on Sarah Palin.

Please read His Article and then check what he says against the facts and then make up your own mind.

I know where I stand.

The Most Disturbing Video Game Ever -- "Bioshock" -- by Jack

The basic plot of this game is your plane crashes in the middle of the Atlantic in 1960. You find a lighthouse, swim to it, 17 fathoms later you find yourself at Atlantis on crack (also known as "Rapture") and you go around either saving or harvesting "Little Sisters" or young girls.



This game is not for the faint of heart -- like my dad. Seriously, this game freaks me out.

Why Lou Reed Is Cooler Than You (and me).

My particular personal pantheon is larger than most -- but it is because I have keyed in tightly to the myriad of aspects that float in front of our faces. These seeming dots before our eyes, dust storm, light dance -- are all discordant, yet all one. It sounds as if it were time to launch into a Whitman poem, but this is neither the place nor the post -- for it is time to talk about Lou Reed.

I first heard a Lou Reed song when I was 14 or 15 (a dot before the eyes). It was "Sister Ray" from the White Light/White Heat album. I was gonked at my friend David's house and he put on this record for me and we lay on the floor and let the music crawl gently across the rug and snap into our brains. Oh my god -- I think I sh@* myself listening to that, be it gonked or be it real (nay, we are but men) -- but oh my god. The sound -- the churning churning churning and telling me all about transvestites and smack and ding-dongs -- oh -- my -- god -- suburban Jew middle class meltdown.

What do you expect from me now after something like that? How could I ever listen to Rush again?

Nothing -- NOTHING -- in my life had prepared me for an experience like that -- damn you Lou for breaking me open.

Later there was "The Blue Mask" an album of highs and lows -- the title track being the most honest assessment of how pathetic and self-deluding and mud covered we are. And I noticed it was true, but had to push it away, and I pushed it away some more -- it is only lately after a series of poor choices again and disregarding people in my life, again -- I see my Blue Mask in the mirror.......

Lou Reed beats your god every time!

If you want, I can make you a sandwich. It will be tasty and you will be glad to eat it. Get comfortable: slacks and slippers, sweaters and socks. Breathe Deeply and Let the Tension Ooze out of your toes. Now let's listen to "Black Angel Death Song" and see where you go.

"Kicks"





Some day we all got to pray........................

Cowboys - Giants: For the record

I have a bad feeling about this.

I hate to say it. I really do. I am on board with this group of Cowboys. Hell, I'm even a TO Owens fan now. I would love to be wrong, and to see this thing keep going.

But I can't get past the recently-sputtering offense, the season-long inconsistency on defense, and the deal Jerry Jones made with Satan back in the early 90s, where he got a decade of dominance and the name of a good plastic surgeon in exchange for his soul and Quincy Carter.

I hope I'm wrong, and I'll gladly take the abuse of one and all if I am. But I foresee Giants 24 - Cowboys 10.

May God have mercy on us all.

Cowboys: Here comes the bandwagon

Obi-Wan... there... is good in him. I know there is... still...

- Padme Amidala

OK, so maybe that's both overly dramatic and too Star Wars-geeky. But there's something to it. The Cowboys are decent, or perhaps more than decent, again, and it's difficult for me to remain angry and vindictive with this team.

To be sure, the departure of The Pear-Shaped Football Genius helps matters greatly. TO Owens is dropping a lot fewer passes and keeping his attitude effectively adjusted. And Bondo-Face seems to have learned some lessons about staying out of the way. All of these factors make the team a LOT more palatable.

Then there's that Romo guy. Zowie. So far, he's like nothing we've seen around here since the Staubach glory days of the 70s. Fun to watch, easy to like, incredibly athletic, confident but not cocky, what's not to like about this dude? He just makes things happen around him. No word on Carrie Underwood, though. We'd like to see more of her.

Is the offensive line now ready to rival Williams-Allen-Stepnoski-Tuinei-Newton as the greatest in Cowboy history? Absolutely not. But they are good enough with Romo and his matador skills behind them.

Anyone think the MBIII/JJones combo is going to Canton anytime soon? They don't have to, as long as Romo and his receivers, some of whom may be Canton-bound someday, keep the defense stretched and the running lanes clear.

On defense, I'm still not completely sold. The Cowboy D has looked good, but it's been against truly bad offensive teams (Miami, Chicago, and St Louis are all inept offensively, and there's no arguing that point). We'll see week after next, when Tom Brady and Co. line up on the other side of the ball.

One thing I think I've noticed about the Cowboy D - they seem to be inflicting a lot of physical punishment on the oppostition. Lots of opposing offensive players seem to be getting hurt against this D. This may be my imagination, and I have not stats to back it up, but I think there's someting to it. And if there is, I'm not sure what that "something" means - faster to the ball, surer tackles, and harder hits seem likely, and good, but that's just the guess of a never-played-organized-football-after-grade-school guy.

And then there's Wade Phillips, a guy I totally trashed when his hiring was announced. I think he's won the lottery in some ways. He hasn't changed much on his own - the offensive changes are, I think, more Jason Garrett (who, you'll remember, was hired by Jerry before the Phillips hire) and the D, well, see above for my thoughts - but perhaps he's succeeding just because he's not arrogant, condescending, and argumentative like Parcells. It may be that all he needs to do is be up-beat, treat the players like men (hell, humans), and let his coaches do their thing. He hasn't had a lick of true adversity here yet, but it seems likely he will before the season is over. Let's see how he does in more tense circumstances before we nominate him for Coach of the Year.

All told, however, I think I have to retire my Dark Side credentials. This team is fun to watch, is having success, and seems to be keeping its nose clean (at least until Tank Johnson shows up). I think that's about all we can hope for in pro sports these days.

Cowboy football: Return to the Dark Side?

Obviously, the NFL has spun up again. Part of the reason for my extended blogging hiatus has been my ambivalence about those Dallas Cowboys.

On one hand, Jerry Jones is still with us, and is more involved and obnoxious than ever (as evidence, see the YouTube post below). Terry Glenn is hurt and Drew Bledsoe is spending quality time with his 7-iron. No major changes have been made to the roster which was responsible for the end-of-season meltdown from last year. And Wade Phillips is still pretty underwhelming.

On the other hand, however, The Pear-Shaped Football Genius has turned his taciturn derision on idiot beer-drinkers in those inane Coors Light commercials. TO Owens seems to have become a model citizen. Terrence Newman, if he ever gets on the field this year, has a chance to become an all-timer. Jason Garrett is easy to pull for. And Tony Romo has turned into a sort endearing character.

Can I invest another year of bile on this team? Or am I getting sucked in?

You know, I think it's the latter. I may not have realized how much Bill Parcells contributed to my disdain. His absence alone makes it alot easier to get behind this thing.

So, here we are at 2-0. What do we make of this?

On offense, there isn't much to complain about. Romo is looking like the real deal and is handling himself well on and off the field. TO Owens cracked me up with his clandestine filming bit after yesterday's TD. Garrett's play-calling has been nothing short of genius. And everything is working.

Is this offense as good as it looks? Maybe, but I don't think it's really been tested yet. The Giants? Maybe the worst defense in the league right now. The Dolphins? Their D was on the field A TON due to their completely inept offense.

Chicago will tell us a bit more about the Cowboy O than anything we've seen so far.

And on defense, Wade Phillips' calling card? I think we got a better sense of this defense in Week 1 than we did yesterday. The Giants have a bit on offense. Miami has NOTHING. How does Trent Green still have a job? Why does he still have a job? That guy looks like he's thinking about his next concussion a heck of a lot more than what he's supposed to be doing out there.

Chicago won't provide much of test for the Cowboy defense, as Rex Grossman is every bit as bad as Green, with many fewer excuses.

Where does this leave us? For me, it's on the bandwagon, I suppose. I'm making an effort. It sure seems like, with the exception of the Patriots and Colts, there aren't any really good teams this year. Why can't the Cowboys compete?

Wade Effing Phillips?

The Dallas Cowboys are, apparently, all set to announce Wade Phillips as their new head coach.

This was the first thing I heard when I started the engine this morning. The Gentle Musers were, as one would expect, in heated discussion on the topic for a large part of my hour-plus drive to the current client (beating, btw). Listening to Junior criticize and Jub try to defend this decision pretty well summed up my own feelings.

My initial reaction upon hearing the news was to slump down about 6 inches in the driver’s seat and mumble inaudibly, “Wade Effing Phillips?” I could feel my life force ebb away as I considered the implications. And, with nearly two hours to digest the news, my opinion has not changed.

I know very little about Wade Phillips. I know he’s a respected, if not exactly feared, defensive coach with a lot of time in the NFL. I know he’s been a head coach for short periods in Denver and Buffalo. I know that his regular season record is not terrible – somewhere over .500 at least. I know that he is 0-3 in the playoffs. And I know that he’s generally well thought-of as an assistant, but doesn’t get many interviews for head coach jobs any longer. That’s about it.

Yay.

How totally underwhelming is this?

We’ve spent the last two-plus weeks talking about all kinds of interesting scenarios, starting with Bob and Mike Stoops and ranging to a troika of Turner-Garrett-Singletary/Rivera. Over the course of the search, several combinations sounded intriguing. The Stoops Boys thing turned out to be wishful thinking pretty quickly, but Turner/Garrett/Singletary sounded like a combo I could get behind.

But, no, it is (apparently) not to be. We’re getting a retread defensive head-coach, an inexperienced offensive coordinator, and a mystery guest defensive coordinator. We have a young QB who may or may not be the real deal, a defense that grossly underachieved (or did they?), and an owner who looks to be more involved in day-to-day than ever.

This is supposed to excite Cowboy fans? This is supposed to sell tickets in the Jerry Dome?

I may very well be wrong, and Wade Phillips may turn out to be Bear Bryant with less personality, but I have to say I am not impressed.

My three biggest problems with the Cowboys last year were, in order of importance:

- The arrogance and condescension of the Pear Shaped Football Genius.
- The wildly out-of-whack bang-to-hype ratio of TO Owens.
- The arrogance and greed of Bondo-Face.

This off-season took care of the biggest of my problems. I was actually at a point where I would live with the other two and attempt to get back on the bandwagon. A bold move in naming a new head coach would have won me over – I was hoping for it and, truthfully, expecting it.

I should have known better.

Bondo Face chickened out. He went safe. And by “safe”, I mean “uninspired”, “boring”, and, I fear, “doomed to fail”.

Are you excited about this? Does this fill you with hope for the future? Do you really think Wade Phillips, at 60 years old, is suddenly going to find the magic touch?

Or do you, like me, think we’re headed right back for the bad old days of disgruntled fans, testy owner, bland and excuse-filled head coach, bored players, and general franchise-wide malaise? Do you, like me, think we’re headed back to the days of 8-8 and sliding fast?

How sad. How disappointing. I am still on the Dark Side, with no plans to return ye

Daily YouTube: Hansen is not very subtle

Wow, I thought I was happy when Parcells quit. Dale Hansen was positively giddy.

Good-bye, and good riddance

The Pear Shaped Football Genius is hanging up his whistle. Bill Parcells announced his “retirement” from coaching, leaving the Cowboys in chaos and the sheep bleating in panic.

I say: Good. It’s about friggin’ time. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Parcells’ tenure in Dallas can only be termed a failure. Is the team in better shape than it was when he took over? Yes, of course it is. But that’s saying nothing. Parcells took over after the Barry Switzer-Chan Gailey-Dave Campo fiascoes. Any competent football guy should have been able to improve on the sorry state of affairs found at Valley Ranch after that series of nincompoops.

But, really. How much better are things?

Maybe we’ve got a QB, but I’m not convinced yet. Romo started out great, but faded badly down the stretch. What can we expect from here on? First-Five-Games-Tony, or Collapse-Down-The-Stretch-Tony? I don’t know. Neither do you. And if the latter is the real Romo, what’s the alternative?

Running backs? Barber and Jones look like very average NFL backs to me. Both are capable of flashes of brilliance, but both are capable of turning in a 35-yard day as well. Are things better? Yeah, probably, but not a lot.

Receivers? Glenn is greatness, but not getting younger. TO Owens was a massive disappointment and clearly not worth the baggage he brings. Witten is OK, but by no means an elite TE, at least not yet. Crayton is promising, but difficult to see as a real star. The youngsters? Hard to tell, but probably not a real break-out guy there, or at least no outward signs of one yet.

O line? It’s certainly not as bad as it looked last year, but, again, there really aren’t any young guys here. They also started to show cracks down the stretch. Some work is needed here as well.

On defense, the 3-4 appears to be a failure. Absolutely ZERO pass rush spelled doom for the rest of the overmatched unit. Can this group run a 4-3 instead? Hell if I know.

The defensive secondary is average, but only because two decent corners are balanced out by two terrifying safeties. This team has never figured out what to do with Roy Williams – they’ve never managed to play to his considerable strengths while hiding his glaring and costly weaknesses. Is it better than it was in the Campo days? The corners are definitely more talented, but overall, I think Campo fielded better defenses.

The linebackers, supposedly an area of depth, are, with very few exceptions, just plain bad. With the exception of Ware, who should be a down lineman, would you trade this bunch for Dexter Coakley, Godfrey Miles, Dat Ngyuen, or some of the others in the previous generation? Give me the old boys.

The D line is difficult to judge. Jason Ferguson seems like a competent run stuffer. Canty and Spears? I dunno. Do they do better in a 4-3? Maybe. It does seem like the personnel is better than the Kavika Pittman/Ebeneezer Ekuban days, although it must be noted that Ekuban has gone on to be a contributor in Denver. The personnel may be better, but the results are certainly not.

And on the nutty special teams, it’s as much chaos as it’s ever been. Grammatica is not a long term solution at kicker, although McBriar should be this team’s punter for the next decade. Austin and Thompson, when back from injury, seem to be decent runback guys, but how hard are those to find, really?

The coaching ranks are mostly an unknown, since none of them have been allowed to say a public word in four years. The loss of at least three of them in the past two weeks certainly can’t be good news, although you’d assume that whoever takes over would want to bring in his own guys anyway.

When we look at the results Parcells obtained, how can we conclude anything other than failure? Jerry handed over the keys to the castle. Parcells got what he wanted in almost every area. And what do we have to show for it? No division titles, two one-and-done trips to the playoffs, and a progress arrow which is pointing due East. It’s difficult to predict much of an upward trend regardless of who’s calling the shots.

And for all this, we were subjected to four years of Parcells treating the media and the fans like a bunch of retarded children. His condescending press conferences were the BIGGEST waste of time since Sudoku. Did he EVER answer a tough question? Hell, was he ever ASKED a tough question? All I remember is a bunch of mildly entertaining stories about the good old Giant days, and shed-loads of “don’t waste my time with your stupid questions” arrogance.

I wrote about this a long time ago. I’ve been sick of this guy's bit for at least a year. I have no idea what’s next, and I suspect it may be back to the Gailey-Campo No-Name-Carousel, but I have to tell you I’m glad to see that pompous jerk go. I, for one, won’t miss him at all.

Bill Parcells: 'I've Always Hated Football'

I have long suspected it. It's great to be finally vindicated.

Hey, it's in The Onion, so it must be true.

Tales From the Dark Side: The Happiest of New Years!

It's a beautiful Jan 1 here in the DFW Metroplex of Love. The sun is shining, the sky is clear. It's cold, but the air is nearly still. A perfect January day.

Made even more crisp, clear and joyful by Lions 39 - Cowboys 31, of course.

Where do we start our dissection of yesterday's Cowboy "effort"? There are so many juicy negatives, and so few positives, it's sorta like the big buffet table at Sonny Bryan's BBQ.

Let's start with the very, very few positives, as it will be a short list:

1. The cheerleaders wore their regular outfits, despite the mid-40's game time temp. I'm sure it was not fun for them, but it made me appreciate my HDTV once again.

2. The announcing team of Kenny Albert and Brian Baldinger were comically (and predictably) terrible. Albert's not awful, but Baldinger is a moron (with the down-South long first "o", emphasizing the intensity of the word). I had no idea Bill Parcells began his coaching career in Wichita Falls, TX. I had thought it was at Wichita State, in Kansas. Thanks for correcting me Brian, you ding-dong.

3. Um, uh, er. I think that's it.

Well, that was easy.

On with the fun stuff. What went deliciously, invigoratingly wrong for Bondo-Face, the Pear Shaped Football Genius, and their under-achieving minions?

Offense

Previously the only thing that gave the sheep hope, the offense has turned into a Marx Brothers routine. Where has the running game gone? JJones and MBIII were on top of the world a month ago. Now neither of them can find a first down marker with a compass and a pair of binoculars. JJones has all but disappeared from the field, with most of the work he used to do going to Barber now. And MBIII himself had a big bag of nothing yesterday as well.

Can the disappearance of the running game be the result of the offensive line playing down to its capabilities? Of course! We've been talking about this suspect line since training camp. This bunch of retreads and never-weres has managed to kill Drew Bledsoe's career, but that wasn't enough for them. Romo managed to make them look serviceable for a few week, but their inability to block even average pass rushers or to open holes wider than a deck of cards finally caught up with them. Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Bo Jackson, and Vince Young could be running the old Wing-T behind this line and not have any success.

How about the receivers. OK, we have to back off a little here: Terry Glenn and Jason Witten are the two guys on the offensive side who have nutted up week after week, who make plays, and who keep their mouths shut. These guys deserve better. It was nice to see the overrated TO Owens actually hang on to a long TD pass for a change. He must have backed off on the Novocaine injections he got in his hands this week.

And what about Tony "Captain America" Romo? Is this really what he is? Was that first five weeks merely lightning in a bottle? That's my bet. I think we've got an average NFL QB here, folks. One who's got some real ability, but who takes too many risks and will make too many mistakes to be really successful in this league. I give him full credit for cashing in on his early success. Carrie Underwood is a Nice Piece, even though I predict she will blow up to pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole size in the not-too-distant future.

Defense

There's not much left to say about this enormously disappointing defense.

What does this bunch of so-called professionals do well? As far as I can tell, nothing. Terrence Newman and DeMarcus Ware on the only two players on the defensive side of the ball. Unfortunately, Mike Zimmer, the heroic defensive coordinator of years past, is going to pay for this mess with his head. The real blame lies with Bondo-Face, who has been duped into overpaying for underachieving defensive talent both in the draft and free agency, and with the Pear Shaped Football Genius, who appears to have implemented a scheme (the 3-4) without first finding out if he had the guys to play it.

Seriously, if you can't cover deep, can't get to the QB even when you blitz, and are questionable against the run, what chance do you have? Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander can't wait to go against this bunch.

Coaching

I sometimes think Parcells laughs himself to sleep every night. What a set-up he's got here. Bondo-Face is paying him millions, the press are scared to death of him and no one will ask him any tough questions, his staff is completely subservient to him, and he's got enough skins on the wall from previous stops (an aside - what is so great about two Super Bowl wins - I mean, its certainly impressive, and way more than anything I've accomplished, but does it really entitle you to the "genius" tag for the rest of your career?) that no one is going to question him.

Do you really think Parcells cares one bit that Randy (Grampa Urine) Galloway is saying "it's time for Bill to go"? Me either.

The 2007 regular season closes with as bad a 9-7 as you can have. One quality win (the Colts) and a sackful of really bad losses points us towards a date with destiny in Seattle next Saturday night.

We'll be watching from the Dark Side, callin' 'em as we see 'em, and pulling for Cowboy failure, just as we promised back on March 18,2006.

Football Friday and other sports-related quick hits

I have been remiss in covering football for you, the loyal CIT reader (all 4 of you, God bless you each and every one). My only excuse is the Cowboys' resurgence drained my life force. Now that they're reeling again, my energy and sarcasm are back in top form.

College Bowls

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Sorry, no interest this year.

Pros

Pittsburgh (+6) @ Cincinnati - The end of a miserable season for the Steelers. I'm trying to stay on the Bengal bandwagon. I think I'm going to regret this one, but give me the guys in stripes.

Miami (+9) @ Colts - What the HELL is wrong with the Colts all of a sudden? I mean, other than their defense is awful, Dallas Clark has been hurt, and Peyton Manning is the most overrated QB since Phil Simms. The Dolphins have no idea who their QB is right now, and the Colts have GOT to get the wheels back on. Nine points is a lot to lay, but I'll take a deep breath and go with Indianapolis.

Carolina @ New Orleans (+3) - This game means nothing for the Saints, and it's obvious Vegas thinks the entire first team is going to sit. I hate games like this. I guess I'll go with the conventional wisdom and take Carolina. I will change my tune next week, though. I'm on the Saints bandwagon big-time!

Atlanta (+9) @ Philadelphia - The Eagles looked All-World while humiliating the Cowboys last week. They seem to be peaking at the right time. This game does mean something for both teams, but I really liked what I saw from Philly last week. Again, its a huge spread, but give me the boys from the City of Brotherly Shove.

Pats (+3) @ Titans - Another one where the better team has nothing to play for. Is Vince Young proving me wrong? Can he be a great NFL QB? He's got the physical tools, there's no doubt about it. Can he handle it mentally? We shall see. He's been impressive so far. I'm gonna go with Tennessee here, just because I think they've got more to prove.

Detroit (+13) @ Dallas - The Cowboys have failed to show up for two critical home games in the past three weeks. I think this team is doubting itself in a big way. I'm gonna take all those points, and it's not going to surprise me one bit if the Lions win outright.

Comedic Value Game of the Week - Browns (+4) @ Houston - Wow, what a stinker. Find me 15 people on this planet who give a crap about this one, and I'll give you a pick. Ready, set, go...

Sports-Related Quick Hits

Baseball Free Agency Goes Completely Insane

The Rangers lost out on free-agent pitcher Barry Zito yesterday, as the newly-crowned Dumbest Team in Sports, the SF Giants, gave him a $126 million, seven-year contract.

I am SO glad the Rangers got beat out, as they has reportedly offered Zito a six-year deal (for a lot less, but still INSANE numbers).

How many times do we need the object lesson: Long-term contracts for pitchers are complete madness. Let's tick off a few examples: Kevin Brown (a kendo-stick to the shins), Mike Hampton (brass knuckles to the gut), and, the grand-daddy of 'em all, Chan Ho Park (a 2X4 to the gresticles).

At this point, with the way pitchers get hurt and the speed with which they deteriorate (and the deterioration has already started for Zito), I wouldn't sign Walter Johnson or Cy Young himself to a six-year deal.

Well, this will be a boat anchor around the necks of the Giants for years to come. Good luck with all that.

Stars - Most Schizo Team in the NHL?

Your Dallas Stars can't figure out if they're a good team or not yet. Granted, injuries have ravaged this bunch, and even die-hard fans are looking at the roster and going, "Who?" Even with that, though, Marty Turco has been a bit shaky lately. You can have your Modanos, your Morrows, your Lindroses, this is Martin Turco's team and it will only go as far as he takes it. Its too early to panic or even predict, but Stars fans, who are few and far between lately, are getting antsy.

Mavs - Kickin' Ace and Takin' Names

The Mavs are rolling, beating good team after good team, playing exceptionally well, and getting contributions from the guys they really need to contribute. Last night's Dirk buzzer-beater to win by 2 over the Suns was, by all accounts, as good a battle as we've seen between these two new rivals.

I have no idea how Avery Johnson gets these guys psyched up night in and night out. After that epic playoff run last year, the thought of 82 regular season games must seem pretty unattractive to the team. Yet not so - they're playing their rears off every night. God bless em. It's getting to the time of year to really start paying attention.

Tales From the Dark Side: DEE-FENSE! DEE-FENSE!

Apparently, Greg Ellis and Flozell Adams are the two most important people in the Cowboy Universe.

Last year's loss of Adams on the O line spelled doom for the Cowboy offense in general and Drew Bledsoe's career in particular. The Cowboy offense spent the remainder of the season playing toreador to opposing defensive bulls, and Bledsoe, already gun shy from his seasons spent getting hammered in Buffalo, assumed the fetal position so often it became a habit he was unable to break this year.

This year, the loss of Ellis to a season-ending Achilles tendon injury has taken a defense (which, by the way, was predicted to be superior by just about everyone, and called "Doomsday III" by the Lead Sheep, Mr. George "Jub-Jub" Dunham) which was not not all that great to begin with, and has transformed it into a painful joke. The Cowboy defense appears to be unable to stop any competent NFL offense and might get trampled by the El Campo Ricebirds. Maybe even the Ricebirds JV.

Today's illustration was provided by the Philadelphia Eagles, who apparently slipped a double dose of rohypnol into the Cowboys' Gatorade coolers. By the end of the game, the entire defensive depth chart looked dazed, abused, and violated.

No one on the Cowboy defense played well enough to stay out of the Pear Shaped Football Genius's doghouse. The Eagle offense looked like a reincarnation of the '83 San Francisco 49ers, calmly and efficiently marching up and down the field, making no mistakes and executing just about everything they wanted.

On the offensive side of the ball, the Cowboys did nothing to write home about. The Romo feel-good saga appears to be in its waning days and one has to resume asking about the long-term viability of the undrafted guy from 1-AA. The tone was set early, as the Cowboys were unable to convert a 1st and goal into points, instead turning the ball over on downs as the usually unstoppable Marion Barber got clobbered behind the line on 3 consecutive plays. Why the Pear Shaped Football Genius felt compelled to go for it on 4th and goal, instead of taking 3 points in the first quarter, is a mystery to me. But who am I, a mere football peon, to question him? He's not the Pear Shaped Football Genius for nothing.

The Cowboys had a golden opportunity to nail down the division and to make a statement today. Instead, they have made their own road significantly harder and have handed the division to a team which should have been dead and buried weeks ago.

And how about next week? Think Detroit is a sure win? Didn't the Lions give the mighty Bears all they could handle yesterday? I think its well within the realm of possibility the Cowboys go into the playoffs in full reverse.

We shall see, but, all of a sudden, the Dark Side is a pretty happening place again.

Tales From the Dark Side: Six Weeks to Change the World

I like steadiness. Routine. Things you can count on.

Sunrises. The tides. Seasons. 527 groups tearing political opponents to shreds. You know, the constants of life on Planet Earth.

Things like the Pear-Shaped Football Genius being over-rated by the fawning media. The Cowboy O line blocking like a bunch of 10th-grade band geeks up against the Violent Offenders Support Group from Riker’s Island. TO Owens running his mouth while balls clang off his numb hands. The unfortunate soul playing QB for the Cowboys running for his life and encountering failure, in the form of sacks, bad passes, or interceptions, at every turn.

In the past six weeks, I’ve gone from security and predictability to a world of inconsistency, shaken beliefs, and doubt of all things billed as “unchangeable”.

The Cowboys are the best team in the NFC.

Six weeks ago, I was writing things like “El Disastro” about the Cowboys. The season was, I thought (hell, I was SURE), over. Finito. Beyond salvage. And I wasn’t alone.

Now, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bunnies are eating carrots out of Bondo-Face’s hands, traffic is flowing more smoothly on the highways and byways of the DFW Metroplex of Love, Laura Miller’s voice is melodious rather than abrasive, JC Penney, TI, and EDS stocks are all up, Pizza Hut pizza is both delicious AND nutritious, and Arlington residents forced from their homes by the new Jerry-Dome are getting $1.05 on the dollar for their property.

Well, $1.01, at least. Let’s get a grip. It’s a shiny, happy time, but the Messiah hasn’t yet descended from Heaven.

How did this astounding turn of events come about?

Tony Romo became the Cowboy QB. That’s it. That’s the change. All good things have flowed from that move.

Goofy, big-eared, unheralded, hopelessly white, undrafted-out-of-1AA Tony Romo has changed the world. Whether he is truly the next Cowboy legendary QB, or if it comes down to (and I’m stealing this shamelessly from Sports Bob) Darth Vader looking him over and saying, “The Force is strong with this one”, no one can tell you for sure. But the change in Cowboy fortune can be attributed to nothing, and no one, else.

At a stroke, Parcells is again the Pear-Shaped Football Genius (with no irony) for keeping Romo around while jettisoning more-hyped hopefuls Quincy Carter, Chad Hutchinson, and Drew Henson and forcing fans to endure retreads Vinny Testaverde, Ryan Leaf, and Drew Bledsoe (I really still love you, Drewzilla).

In the blink of an eye, Bondo-Face is again the football Rain-Man for ceding control to Parcells, and writing a big check to keep Romo in the fold.

All of a sudden, the Cowboy O line, which previously subscribed to the “block them using the air currents generated by us falling down” method of pass protection, is battle-hardened and looks to be playoff- (and, perhaps, championship-) ready.

In a flash, TO Owens’ cement hands and non-stop jabbering are merely an afterthought. Roy Williams’ cover skills are a big, fat NBD (that’s “No Big Deal”, btw). The 3-4 defense is a smashing success. JJones and MBIII are amicably splitting time in the backfield, both racking up career high numbers, and probably dating each others’ sisters. And the kicker? Who gives a crap about the kicker?

It all goes back to the guy who majored in typewriter maintenance at the Rocco Globbo School for Women. Isn’t it amazing how a little success can breed so much more success? There’s a lesson in here for all of us, but that’s a whole different post.

In the meanwhile, I will try to find my equilibrium. Perhaps the world will shift back to where it was not so long ago. But it doesn’t look like it. I think, instead, I will have to adjust my perception to fit the new reality.

Wish me luck.

BTW – it’s become very lonely here on the Dark Side. Even your emotions have an echo in so much space.

Sorry, now I’m channeling Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse. I better quit while I’m still making some sense.

Tales From the Dark Side: Lookee here!

It's difficult to admit, but it is getting harder to be a Dark Sider around here. Isn't it amazing what a little winning can do? I swear, I think even the traffic is moving more smoothly than it was back in Sept. The only thing that's less interesting is sports talk radio - those guys love Cowboy disasters even more than I do.

Well, never mind all that. The subject for today is nearly existential in its complexity. How do we, as Dark Siders in good conscience, rationalize continued negative aspirations amongst all the positivity?

In other words, can we keep hoping for disaster while Romo and Company become America's Sweethearts?

It's a tougher question than it seems.

Nobody likes a happy ending more than me. No one wants to believe in the goodness of man, the beauty of nature, and the grace of God more than me. Seriously. I know, it can be tough to tell from what I've written in the past, but I really am an optimist. Ask my wife.

So, in that sense, I'd LOVE to see Tony Romo be the next feel-good story of the NFL. He's young, he's talented, he's confident without being cocky; at this point, there's absolutely nothing to dislike about the kid.

I've gone on record as stating my fandom of J. Jones, MBIII, and the tragic figure that is Drew Bledsoe. Let me expand to encompass Terry Glenn, Jason Witten, Terrence Newman, Anthony Henry, and Aaron Glenn. I think Greg Ellis is a class act, and I'm coming around on DeMarcus Ware. I think Mat McBriar is a hero to punting dorks everywhere.

So, there are some reasons to like the Cowboys. Do they outweigh the negatives, ranging from disdain to outright hostility, generated by the likes of Roy Williams, Flozell Adams, Terrell Owens, the Pear-Shaped Football Genius, or, most egregious of all, Bondo-Face?

Ehhhhhh, it's a teeter-totter. It depends how much my ankles hurt, or whether I've had my car washed recently. I mean, it's on the knife's edge. Really, really close.

However, I did swear, back last spring when Bondo-Face sold his soul to Terrell Owens, I would wish nothing but failure on this team. I have to stick with a statement as strong as that, don't I?

But, the reality is parity has reduced the NFL in general, and the NFC in particular, to a collection of very evenly matched spare-to-fair teams. No one in the NFC stands out: Chicago matches an All-World defense with a flatlined offense, Seattle's injury list reads like the western Washington telephone directory, Carolina goes up and down like the fake Britney Spears (that wasn't very family friendly, was it?), the Saints show flashes but are still subject to the Creole Cemetery Curse.

Are the Cowboys the best team in this insane conference? At the moment, they seem to be. Does it last long enough for them to make some real hay in the playoffs? Dude, I'm more comfortable predicting the weather two weeks in advance. Who knows? It's entirely possible Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin go to a voodoo high priestess, sacrifice a goat or two, and whip the Cowboys' tails next weekend, causing a mass ritual suicide in the Cowboy locker room after the game.

Regardless of what happens the rest of the way, please continue to tune in to Tales From the Dark Side for more uplifting prose like that last sentence.

Yay, mass ritual suicide!

Tales From the Dark Side: You gotta know when to fold 'em

All season, I've taken the stance the Cowboys suck until they prove otherwise. I've asked them to play well against a good team, to beat someone then call me.

Today, they beat someone.

There are probably about half a million excuses the Colts could use, but the fact remains, the Cowboys beat one of the best teams in the NFL, the best if record means anything in this insane league.

So, it's time for me to shut the hell up.

And so I shall.

But, don't you about half-expect the Cowboys to lose to Tampa Bay now?

OK, OK, I'm leaving.

Tales From the Dark Side: Today's Theme is "Crap"

I'll admit it's not easy to come up with a whole bunch of darkness regarding Cowboys 27 - Cardinals 10. The Cowboys pretty much had their way with the silly little Cardinals and, other than the injury to Greg Ellis, not much went wrong.

So, that's "crap" #1 - it was a tough day for Dark Siders.

Instead, let's focus our doom-and-gloom gaze on the larger picture this week.

Someone please tell me what there is to be excited about for this year and for this team? I can come up with a few possibilities, but I can just as quickly dash all of those possibilities to small, tiny, shattered pieces.

Do you want to feel good about Romo? Through three games, he's done as well as you could hope, hasn't he? I mean, you have to throw out that second half against the Giants, don't you?

Or do you?

Weren't the Giants really the only decent defense he's seen? Carolina's defense is pretty good, you say. Is it? They get some pressure from their front four, sure, but what else do they have? The Redskins and the Cardinals? Are you kidding?

That's "crap" #2.

The running game has been ok, hasn't it? Yeah, actually it has. Both J. Jones and MBIII have had reasonably good, if remarkably quiet, seasons. I genuinely like both of these guys, so it's hard for me to trash them. However, I don't think the Cowboys can run effectively enough to win consistently. They need to throw, and if the passing game isn't there, I don't see the run giving them enough to beat some of the teams left on the schedule. The Colts, Giants, Bucs, Saints, and maybe Eagles and Falcons all are going to be tough to beat without scoring a bunch of points.

Crap #3.

How about that "Doomsday III" defense? They showed something yesterday, didn't they? Oh, come on. The Cardinal offense is SUCH crap. They've got a couple of receivers, a running back, and maybe a QB, but they have the worst O line in the league (and that's not just my opinion - the great Larry Brown, Super Bowl MVP, said exactly those words on the pre-game show yesterday). The Cowboy D dominated the Cardinals? Whoopeee. The Hutto Hippos probably could too.

Crappy crap.

Parcells is a genius, and knows how to build a team and win big games, doesn't he? Oh really? What has he done around here which would indicate he's anything more than a fat guy with anger and control issues? What's so much better than when he got here? Which draft choices have really impressed you? Spears or Ware? Where did they go? Bobby Carpenter actually got on the field yesterday, so I guess that's something. Is your O line any better? Bwahahahahaha. Not so much.

Crappity crap crap.

Yes, the Cowboys thoroughly thrashed the woeful little Cardinals. Don't get too excited, sheepies. I see six losses left on the schedule, maybe more. It still says 6-10 right here, buddy boy.

Tales from the dark side: QB? Hey! Rest of team? Oy vey!

What a delicious Sunday - Redskins 22 - Cowboys 19 turned a drizzly, grey day in the DFW Metroplex of Love into a more drizzly, grey day. The emotional swing experienced by the sheep during that last 35 seconds was thunderous. Who among us has ever seen a game lost, won, then lost again so quickly and on so many plays involving annoying little kickers?

What went wrong at FedEx Field for the Cowboys on Sunday afternoon? Maybe a better question is: What went right?

There was more than a bit that actually did go right.

· Romo was not bad, and, while I still have a hard time believing the undrafted guy from 1-AA is the next great Cowboy QB, he’s done practically everything you could ask in two full games.
· Julius Jones was not bad.
· The O line was, shockingly, not bad.
· Um, I think that pretty much does it.

What went wrong? Pull up a chair, amigo.

The "Doomsday III" defense made creaky, geezing Mark Brunell look like his younger, All-Pro self. Clinton Portis was effective as well. Don’t get me wrong; the 'Skins' offense was certainly not the reincarnation of Air Coryell. But they were a lot more effective than they've been recently.

The Redskins’ entire starting 11 on offense ought to send Williams, Ferguson, Ware, and Co. a giant "Thank You" bouquet from ProFlowers, along with 150 lbs of chocolates. Has one defense ever allowed more has-been offensive players to resurrect their careers? The NFLPA ought to make the Cowboys' defense part of the mental health benefits in the pension plan. Feeling unworthy? Play these guys. You'll feel better right away.

This defense, which was, at the beginning of the season, predicted to conquer the galaxy, is bad. Really bad. The corners seem to be holding their own, but that’s it. No pass rush (it looks like the pre-Charles Haley days out there) and a depth chart full of safeties who have no business attempting to cover NFL receivers mean no Cowboy lead is safe, no opponent comeback is too outrageous, and poor Brad Sham is likely to retire Bob and Dan’s Homer Call of the Week.

And, just to pour some salt in the wound, let me remind you this is the defense which has been the beneficiary of the lion’s share of recent high draft picks and big-buck free agent signings.

Did someone mention free agents? As long as we’re on the subject, we have to mention the biggest free agent of them all – Mr. TO Owens. The guys is entertaining, and he’s got the kind of ability, well, I don’t even know what to say about it. He’s a superior physical specimen, no doubt.

One thing he is not, however, is a great wide receiver. He’s a very good wide receiver, but he is not great. The reason? He’s got two cement blocks for hands. You know what, TO? If you want to be considered w/ Rice and Irvin and Largent and the other greats at your position, you HAVE GOT TO MAKE THAT CATCH!!! And, until you stop dropping critical passes at critical times, you’ve got no right to run your mouth about anything, no right to sleep in offensive meetings, and no right to cost your team 15 yards by performing skits in the end zone (even if they are funny).

Special teams? Dreadful. Mat McBriar had his worst game as a Cowboy. By a bunch. Coverage? Not so much. And Ace Vanderjagt, the multi-millionaire kicker who was supposed to be the surest thing since Nicolette Sheridan, gets his 35 yard game winner blocked (I’m not ready to completely hang this one on him – Troy Vincent was in the backfield about the same time Romo put the ball down).

And just how does the Pear Shaped Football Genius, a coach who supposedly stresses discipline and avoiding stupid mistakes, how does he explain 11 penalties for more than 150 yards? That’s the biggest penalty burden incurred by a Cowboy team since the 1970’s (when, it must be noted, they were coached by another coach who stressed discipline and avoiding stupid mistakes).

So, here you are, Cowboy sheep. Your new QB looks very promising, amazingly so. You’ve got a running game. Those are all facts. What else have you got? An over-rated defense, underperforming special teams, and a $10 million receiver who appears to get pre-game Novocain shots in his hands. And, you’ve got a 4-4 record to go along with your three division losses.

And now, you’re off to Phoenix for a date in the new palace with the lowly Cardinals. Ready to call that a "sure win"? Didn’t think so.

It still says 6-10 here, baby. Quote me.

Dark Side addendum - A little Romo perspective

The game story in this morning's DMN makes an interesting point, intentionally or not:

Romo became just the 13th quarterback in team history to come away with a
victory in his first start, joining a list that includes Roger Staubach, Danny
White and even Bledsoe. Romo's 270 passing yards were fourth most by a
quarterback in his Cowboys debut, bested in a winning effort only by Gary
Hogeboom (343), who beat the Los Angeles Rams, 20-13, on Sept. 3, 1984.