Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Scouse jokes

The UK version of our Aggie jokes, some of these Liverpudlian jokes are well amusing, mate:

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up tothe counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"


If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle


Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked it would be mugged


What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?

A Burglar


What do you call a Scouser in a tie?

The accused


What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.


What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?

Big Mac and fries please


What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?

What you looking at?


What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit?

The Bride


Anonymous said...

they are bad jokes, im a scouse and im not thick and not hairy eeww, i have lived in liverpool all my life and have never been mugged and have never mugged anyone,all of my scouser mates dont work on maccys, i have a three bed roomed house and i have nevr robbed anythink, so i think ya jokes are a waste of time and have u ever been to liverpool, i hate how you have made liverpool put to be a bad place i love liverpool and would never live anywhere else so before you go telling anymore jokes like that think hang on they are people and they do have brains and feelings towards other people. good bye, i wish when you read this that you take these horrible nasty jokes off because thay are not funny.

Anonymous said...


Point, i think, Proven...

Anonymous said...

Theses jokes are very funny and very true. When i was in Scouse land i got mugged twice and my daughter got harrassed

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely ridiculous. i live in manchester but support liverpoolFc and have a scouse family. i have to put up with stupid and pathetic jokes such as these every day from mancs who have nothing better to do with their time than invent nasty jokes about scousers. they are just the same as everybody else. it doesnt matter where you live. there is bad behaviour and mugging and theft everywhere and not just liverpool. you use the occasional crime that happens there as an excuse to make up nasty things about them. i think it is because you are jealous.

Anonymous said...

What will reunite the beatles, scouser? Three more bullets!

Anonymous said...

I think you'll find you only need two.

Anonymous said...

A man walks into a car showroom in Manchester looking for a new 4wd car.

The salesman approaches, but the man seems reluctantas he doesn't like the price or the safety record.

Eventually the discussion centres around environmental concerns and the man asks about the effect of CO2 emissions.

The salesman is sure he has lost the sale but feels he has to carry on. He explains that the car does indeed emit more CO2 which will result in the ice cap melting sea levels rising and some areas, like parts of Liverpool disappearing.

"Ok, I'll take it", says the man.

charlotte said...

these jokes are pafetic ive lived in liverpool all me life an i dont know no-one who sbeen mugged, and none of me mates have evr mugged no-one. these jokes are horibl an completly untrue